


Lonely When I'm With You

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Caring Alec Lightwood, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, M/M, Sick Magnus Bane, Spells & Enchantments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-21 02:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11934045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: When Magnus is left weak and barely an echo of his usual self, Alec’s patience is pushed to its limits. And though their friends are doing all they can to offer their support, Alec has never felt so out of his depth and alone. But this isn’t about him, this is about Magnus, and Magnus needs him to be strong for him, when he can’t currently be strong for himself. What will it take to get things back to the way they were between them? What more can Alec do to prove to Magnus that he is loved, no matter what? And what does Alec need from Magnus, to know that what he is offering him is going to be enough?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :) 
> 
> Here’s a new one for you, it’s a little sad, but if you’ve ever read my stuff before, then you’ll know that angst is usually followed, or at least interspersed, with fluff. Or, as a certain Mr Shum Jnr recently said when we were waiting for the finale, _without pain there wouldn’t be ice cream._ This is… something like that… (and if it isn't... the next fic I write I'll try to make a fluff one to make up for it...)
> 
> Some notes about the story.  
> \- Parts of the story are going to be revealed in flashbacks (nothing quite as pretty as we got in 2x18, but flashbacks nonetheless)  
> \- Flashbacks will be in italics to separate from what is happening in the ‘present’.  
> \- Any character names that aren’t ‘our’ characters were picked at random by a name generator; I’ve got no hold or interest on these names personally.  
> \- The story behind the ‘people’ mentioned (trying to keep this vague…) is an... embellishment of myth/lore I’ve (briefly) read about them.  
> \- The ‘other’ characters, as in our background characters, I’ve (mostly) made a little more sympathetic than they might be in the show (I’m a sap, I like the idea of them all being supportive of each other, and they are — maybe just not this much…)  
> \- And as for ‘our’ characters… please don’t be angry with Magnus. Please don’t be angry with Alec either. Bless them, they’re both doing their best in a difficult situation!  
> \- This fic is complete, so you don’t have to worry that it’ll be abandoned at any point. I’ll post a chapter every couple of days. And… I think that’s all you need to know.  
> \- If you’re a White Lies fan (and if you’re not… why?) then maybe you recognise the title of this as lyrics from their song Change. Go and give it a listen; I can’t say it relates exactly to this story, but it’s a beautiful song anyway ;)
> 
> Okay, I’ll stop talking; I hope you like! X

From the curve of his spine to the ripple of muscles that flexed and tensed beneath the expanse of his back, Alec was sure he knew every inch of Magnus better than anyone. He’d spent days mapping out his skin, learning the feel of him beneath his fingertips and lips, made studies of blemishes and cherished every scar.

There was not a part of Magnus that Alec didn’t love, didn’t feel he’d ever get enough of touching, or fear that he’d ever be denied. But right then, the coldness of that back turned to him spoke of separation, of being shut out, cut off, and pushed away. And no matter what he’d tried so far, the tactics of his actions or the softness of his words, he wasn’t getting through to him.  

Not that he was giving up, Alec told himself sternly, shifting a little at the stiffness of being half-perched in the same position for so long, staring at Magnus as though silent pleading alone would be enough to make him turn around.  

Hesitating, fearing he’d be shoved away, or worse that Magnus would pull himself from his grasp altogether, Alec reached out yet again, gently lowering his palm and spreading his fingers wide at Magnus’ waist, wincing at the coldness of his skin for refusing to be covered up. His heart sank when Magnus didn’t move at all.  

“Magnus—”

“I’m tired, Alec. Just tired,”  

Alec closed his eyes, blinking back tears of frustration at the repetition of words he didn’t want to be true, and the sense that time itself was running away from him, forcing his mouth closed to prevent himself saying anything that might prove incendiary.

“I’ll be here if you need me,” Alec settled on telling him, bending and pressing a kiss to his shoulder, longing for the moments when Magnus would have rolled on his back and gathered him close with a kiss.

The silence radiating from Magnus spoke of Alec not being needed at all though, and the reminder left him frightened, desperate to know what he could do to help. Missing Magnus so much, it was as though he wasn’t laid there in the bed beside him, but was instead a figure set in stone, cast into staring existence in centuries past, only there to observe life, never to take part.

 _Come back to me_ , Alec pleaded in silence, wanting to stroke his hand up his side, curl up behind him, gather Magnus close until it no longer felt like he was holding a fragile, empty shell. He dared flex a finger, the tiniest of movements stirring just above Magnus’ hip, but Magnus didn’t so much as flinch in response.

Alec swallowed back a second flood of tears, withdrew his hand and let it fall to the softness of the sheets beneath them, and disguised the sob of frustration swelling up in his throat, by burying his face into his pillow.

* * *

_“There’s a… Raphael here to see you,”_

_Alec paused where he’d been reading, his finger following a line of text on his tablet screen to mark the place before he looked up at the unwanted interruption._

_“Raphael? As in Raphael Santiago?”_

_“Yes,” the Shadowhunter agreed, “a vampire,” and Alec’s spine straightened at once, the distaste in the man’s voice sitting unpleasant in his stomach. Alec told himself not to overreact, reminded himself that the man before him was new to the Institute—_ his _Institute, where any hint of discrimination was frowned upon, stamped out on every occasion and stopped before it even had chance to become an actual problem; an outlook he was disappointed to still be considered quite unique in its inclusive policy towards Downworlders, but one that Alec was adamant he’d keep fighting for and implementing, no matter how difficult it got._

_“Okay,” Alec replied, shrugging as though unaffected, “so show him in,”_

_“I thought it best not to leave it roaming free in the Institute,” the man continued, and Alec’s stomach dropped again. Magnus had installed special charms at the Institute to ensure unhallowed folk such as the vampires were able to enter freely, though in areas deep in the Institute and places like the hallways leading to his office, the charms only worked on a select few—a privilege afforded only those they worked with on the joint Council. Alec was sure he could already feel Raphael’s fury bristling in the air outside the room, and braced for whatever outburst might come from him._

_“Michael,” Alec said, rising from his seat and staring him down, having belatedly reminded himself of the man’s name, “I’m sure you already know this, but Raphael is on the Council. And as with all Council members, is welcome here, without obstruction. Show him in,”_

_Michael looked him up and down with obvious distaste, and Alec drew himself a little taller, told himself not to flinch under the judgement of his stare. “As you wish,”_

_“I’ll be sure to assign you to our next liaison meeting with the vampire clan here, so that you can meet them for yourself. Let you get to know the people we’re working with; understand that we do things a little different here in New York than you are probably used to with your training,” Alec added, unfailing in his pride for the Council’s efforts, and his voice leaving no room for misinterpretation._

_“I’d heard that,” Michael agreed, the tone of his voice still sour._

_“I can arrange an immediate transfer for you back to Idris if things here aren’t to your liking,” Alec offered then, his tone placating, though glaring him down, already planning on being extra harsh on Michael when it came to his first review—and then chiding himself for being petty. But it seemed to have the desired effect, because Michael’s eyes flared a little wider, the look on his face suggesting he’d belatedly realized he was speaking to the Head of the Institute, and finally appearing contrite._

_Alec watched as he spun on his heel, saw his arm wave in an agitated gesture just beyond the doorway, and then Raphael appeared, looking understandably annoyed enough to leave Alec wondering what he’d have to say or promise to calm him down._

_“Raphael, I—”_

_“Have you heard from Magnus today?” Raphael said immediately, cutting him off before he could even start, the clipped tone of his voice doing nothing to help with that squirming feeling in Alec’s stomach._

_Magnus had left him in bed earlier that morning, pressing kisses over his cheek as he raised the comforter to tuck under his chin to keep out any draughts. Alec had reached for him, stilled by Magnus’ hand gently pressing him back in place, then leaning over for another kiss to his ear where he whispered his usual morning greetings, promising to be back soon, and do all he could to keep in touch._

_Magnus had been called to assist in a dispute in San Jose between two warlocks, fearing that if he didn’t at least try to intervene, that their conflict would draw the attention of the Mundanes living in the area. The disagreement was so fierce, that a number of rogue Downworlders had apparently seized the opportunity to cause all kinds of mayhem, using it as a cover for their own misdeeds; so much so, that according to what Magnus had been told, Alec had been surprised that the Clave had not made any effort to keep the Shadowhunters informed, in case they were also needed to broker the peace. He’d already checked in with the Los Angeles Institute, to be told they’d not heard a single thing._

_“Uh, no,” Alec replied, turning back to his desk and picking up his phone to see if his latest message had been answered, which it hadn’t, and frowning a little at the time that had passed. “He said he might not have much time—”_

_“It was a lie, Alec,” Raphael interrupted again, that tone in his voice revealing itself as worry, the clench of his jaw grabbing Alec’s attention, and making him stagger a step forward._

_“What—”_

_“It was a ruse. A cover; there is no dispute between the warlocks,” Raphael said with an impatient flourish of his hand as his expression darkened, tension seeming to ripple in the air around him._

_Alec’s heart gave a single, painful thud, and the room began to spin a little, as his ears filled with a rush of blood._

* * *

“What time is it?”

Alec watched the outline of Magnus’ shoulder rising and falling in the early morning light, then rolled over to grab his phone from the bedside cabinet.

“A little after six,”

“I thought you said you needed to get to the Institute early,” Magnus replied, his voice monotone, his words gripping claws of concern into Alec’s chest.

“We’ve got a meeting at eight. I’ve got time,” Alec told him, and reached out after hesitating to curl his fingers around Magnus’ waist, closing his eyes when Magnus didn’t move a muscle.

“If you wanted to go early. To train, or work, or something, there is no need to stay here,”

“Magnus,” Alec said, fear making him shuffle forward, curling himself up behind Magnus and slipping his hand to rest on his stomach whether Magnus wanted him to or not, “if I’ve got a choice between lying here in bed with you, or being anywhere else, I’m always gonna choose here,”

“That won’t always be the case,”  

Alec shuffled even closer, jostling Magnus as he tucked his knees in behind him, pressing kisses into his neck and shaking his head there.

“You’re wrong. Magnus, I—”

“Your work is important to you,” Magnus continued, cutting him off entirely, as though not wanting to hear anything he was going to say.

“You’re important to me,” Alec countered, his heart aching for the frantic pounding Magnus’ words were firing it to do.

“You say that now,” Magnus sighed, and Alec was sure he moved a fraction away from him.

“I’ll always say that, because it’s always true,”

“Alec. Your idea of _always_ is quite different from mine,”

“Magnus, I—”

“Perhaps you should go to work,” Magnus said, this time more obviously shuffling from his grip, “I am sure there will be something to deal with, or Jace will wish to spar,”

The coldness of Magnus’ words forced a lump in Alec’s throat, but thinking it was better to leave if Magnus needed to be alone for a while, Alec nodded against his shoulder, pressing a kiss there and sliding from the bed.

“Luke said he’ll drop in when he finishes his shift,” Alec told him, keeping his own tone calm, as though he didn’t feel like he was breaking apart. Magnus didn’t answer, though Alec was sure an irritable coldness drifted towards him from Magnus’ turned back.

He rounded the bed, looking down at Magnus’ emotionless face with his eyes firmly closed, and pleaded with himself for a way to get through to him. And not knowing what else to say, he sucked in a breath, bent over and pressed a kiss to his forehead, allowing himself a few seconds of brushing the hair there away.

“I love you,” he whispered, waiting, watching Magnus’ face for any kind of reaction. When he didn’t so much as acknowledge him, Alec squeezed his eyes closed, then nodded to himself and crossed the room to the closet, pulling out a change of clothes for the day, and silently closing the bedroom door behind him.

* * *

_“What do you mean there’s no dispute between the warlocks?” Alec demanded, shuffling on the spot and denying the truth of Raphael’s words. Raphael stared back at him unmoving, though the rigidity of his shoulders told Alec he was losing his patience with him._

_“It was a trap,” Raphael replied after a minute, seeming to monitor his face for a reaction._

_“That’s ridiculous,” Alec dismissed with a sharp shake of his head, “Magnus was told—”_

_“It was a charm, an… enchantment,” Raphael replied, an impatient clip shortening his words, “an obviously effective glamour, to have taken Magnus in so easily,”_

_“He wouldn’t have—”_

_“Alec,” Raphael urged, with a click to his throat that had Alec swallowing hard, “it does not really matter now_ how _._ _All that matters, is that Magnus has been called upon to resolve a warlock dispute that does not exist, and is now apparently unreachable,”_

_“Then—who did the glamour? Ruse?” Alec demanded, his heart stirring its way to pounding, a thousand concerns blasting at him all at once._

_“I don’t know for certain,” Raphael sighed, frustration laced through his words, “I received a message from the leader of the clan there earlier this morning, warning me against responding to any attempts at contact from any of the Fair Folk. They have been sending messages to numerous leaders of the Downworld outside their area for assistance, since no one there is responding to their calls; no one is sure what they want, but it can’t be good,”_

_“But—”_

_“Magnus told me yesterday that he had been contacted; I put two and two together after my call, and have been calling him repeatedly ever since,”_

_“Magnus wouldn’t fall for anything like that,” Alec denied again, certain in his words. How could he not be?_  

_“Alec,” Raphael sighed, ever impatient with him, as though Alec was always several steps behind whatever he was telling him, “Magnus has too much heart. He pretends not to notice, perhaps at times to not even listen, but the moment there is someone in distress, some… rescue that needs to be undertaken where he thinks he can help, he does it. With little regard for his own well-being,”_

_“So, you’re saying they tricked him there,” Alec replied, still not believing it for a second._

_“Yes. They must have... appealed to his good nature. If you ask me,” Raphael added, with a slight ripple across his shoulders as he narrowed his eyes a touch harder at him before turning them away, “sometimes Magnus is too soft. At least, he’s gotten softer. I can’t think why,”_

_Immediately on the defensive, Alec stood a little taller, and scowled right back. “If you’re blaming me—”_

_“Hear what you wanna hear—”_

_“Look. If you’ve come here to—”_

_“I came here to tell you I fear Magnus is in trouble,” Raphael countered, before Alec could get another word out, leaving him feeling a little sick. He had no intention of fighting when it was a pointless, needless argument, and the look on Raphael’s face said there was more to worry about than Raphael’s dubious, fluctuating opinion of him._

_Turning away from Raphael, Alec called Magnus’ cell, silently pleading with him to pick up and prove Raphael wrong. When it rang out without being answered or even going to voicemail, that uncomfortable, unsettled feeling in his stomach morphed into a sense of panic. He spun back around to Raphael, knowing pleading was written over his face, all but reaching out to shake him, demand that it wasn’t true._

_“You’re sure?”_

_“Positive,” Raphael agreed, the stern certainty on his face gripping around Alec’s heart._

_“I’ll… I’ll speak to the Clave,” he said, full of doubt, already planning on ways to look into Magnus being possibly missing by himself, still not wanting to believe it was anything more than a misunderstanding._

_“If this is happening, we need to move on this,” Raphael told him, his voice lilting in a patronizing tone that had Alec gritting his teeth, telling himself not to take out his fear on Raphael._

_“We will. I am,”_

_“Alec—”_

_But Alec was already gone, storming out of his office, playing over a thousand scenarios and possible outcomes, trying to convince himself not to worry before knowing for sure what was happening, and failing entirely._

* * *

“How’s he doing?”

Staring at the map of New York and watching two small blinking dots indicating the presence of demons that needed investigating, Alec told himself he did not flinch on hearing Jace’s question; the same way he hadn’t flinched on hearing it the past five mornings. The neutral smile he’d pasted on his face on the first day had dropped away altogether by then, leaving little but a thin pinched line, and a tight nod of his head.

“No change,” he said anyway, wanting to close his eyes to the sympathy radiating back towards him, not wanting to see it, not wanting to need to be receiving it. It was too much; the overwhelming sense of just how wrong everything was currently in his world was a crushing force, and it took strength Alec knew he couldn’t maintain for any length of time not give in to despair. He mumbled an instruction to the Shadowhunters waiting for his command, then watched them walk away, bracing for whatever Jace had to say to him.

“And there’s no sign of—”

“Like I said,” Alec replied, cutting him off and turning so that Jace would know to walk beside him to his office, “everything’s the same,” and Alec then considered his statement, deciding it was close enough to the truth, yet it didn’t encompass nearly enough of what was happening. Listless, lifeless, lacking in all the spirit Magnus usually possessed; each of those words couldn’t accurately describe how the very light seemed to have left Magnus’ eyes, leaving him hollow, never making eye contact, never asking for anything, barely saying a word at all. And the slightest offer of help—

Alec closed his eyes to a harsh reminder of just how much Magnus didn’t want his help, how he’d physically pushed him back from propping him up just a couple of hours ago, when he’d decided he wanted to leave their bed for the couch to prepare for Simon’s visit. At least, he’d tried to physically push him back, Alec amended to himself with a grimace, gritting his teeth at the memory of it. It had been barely more than a feeble grasp at his shirt, and the resultant frustration coursing through his body was probably the most energetic Magnus had been since they’d got him home.

“I guess we’ve just got to give him time,” Jace said, breaking Alec from his thoughts, and it was softer than he’d ever expect from Jace; a request for Alec not to shut him out. That Jace, as well as Izzy, Clary, and everyone else who kept making his cell phone ring out with questions he couldn’t answer, were all doing their best to support him, Alec wasn’t all that surprised by, really, even if he didn’t expect anything from any of them. He just didn’t want anyone else’s help, or rather, he didn’t want to need their help, he repeated to himself what already felt like an old argument, turning into his office, barely resisting the urge to slump down in his seat in defeat; all he wanted was Magnus back.  

“That’s what Catarina said,” Alec admitted when he could trust his voice, closing his eyes in memory of her repeating that to him in each of their conversations. It had been surreal at first, waking the day after he’d got Magnus home to find a furious, indignant warlock portaled into their bedroom unannounced, glaring down at the two of them laid in bed, with Alec half-curling around Magnus as though he could shield him from what was happening, and Catarina giving pointed looks at the bareness of their chests.

“ _He isn’t supposed to exert himself,_ ” Catarina had hissed at him as Magnus had slept on, oblivious, full of accusation and assumption, and all Alec could do was defend his actions, assure her the most intimate thing they’d done together was slept. And he hadn’t shared with her on every visit since—visits that he’d since got used to and found comfort in—that Magnus exerting himself with him was the last thing she needed to be concerned about. Since the morning after he’d got him back to the loft, Magnus had shunned practically all physical contact with him, turning away and out of his embrace any time he tried to do anything as much as offer him comfort. The sting of the truth of it curled itself along his spine like a whip, and Alec had to fix a neutral expression on his face to hide just how much he was hurting.

“Then we… we wait,” Jace insisted, and it took all Alec’s control not to throw back an angry retort.

“Yeah,” he agreed, with a half smile, finally sinking into his seat and reaching for his tablet to check his schedule for the day, not sure if he would be happier being insanely busy to distract himself, or if a lull in activity might be what he really needed.

“Who’s with him now?”

“Simon,”

Alec stared at the tablet screen without seeing it, remembering leaving Magnus propped up on the couch, to close all the drapes, blinds, and shutters in preparation for Simon’s arrival in case Raphael came with him as he had done a couple of times already. Alec hated the round-the-clock surveillance they were keeping on Magnus, but was still too fearful about leaving him alone. Not that he thought Magnus would do himself any harm or anything, Alec immediately amended to himself, horrified at the thought, but he was still so weak. What if he fell when making his way to the bathroom, or was hungry, but didn’t have the strength in his legs to get him into the kitchen to fix himself something to eat?  

Not that he was eating much of anything either, Alec thought then, closing his eyes, shaking his head, demanding to himself that he focus; even though his thoughts went straight back to Magnus' lack of appetite. Every meal he’d prepared him had either been picked at and abandoned, or entirely ignored, even after seeking out all the things Alec knew to be his favorites.

It was good, comforting even, Alec repeated to himself as he thought of Simon, to know that they—and Magnus in particular—had such a network of people that cared about him, that he wouldn’t ever have to be alone. In those past five days the loft had played host to all kinds of visitors, and Alec was grateful for every one of them, both those he knew personally and those he didn’t; he just wished yet again that it wasn’t necessary in the first place.

“Simon’ll probably be perfect,” Jace huffed, just enough to make Alec lift his eyes to him to see what he meant. “Oh, come on. The kid’ll probably marathon all those stupid sci fi movies he keeps quoting at us; if that isn’t enough to make Magnus want to get better just to escape all that crap, I don’t know what is,”

Alec smiled, wishing Magnus’ recovery would be as simple as that, to be bored out of his current stupor, to be so thoroughly tired of all the mundanity of whatever his guests were throwing at him that he would simply cease being _tired_ ; which was the only thing Magnus had confessed to being since Alec had gotten him back home. He had to be feeling so many things, Alec sighed to himself, having worried about it repeatedly. But any time he tried to get Magnus to talk to him, he shut down even further, leaving Alec to get to know his back so well, that he could probably map every change of tone there, perhaps reproduce each color with Clary’s paints and chalks.

“Worth a try,” he said anyway, turning back to the tablet screen and internally groaning at the two meetings he had scheduled, along with a ton of administrative tasks that sometimes felt to be the entirety of his role as Head of the Institute.

“You know, Alec, you can ask for help here too,” Jace said then, stepping forward and rounding the other side of the desk, forcing Alec to look up once again.

“What?”

“This,” Jace repeated, waving his hand towards the tablet and the various stacks of work that blocked out the wood of Alec’s desk. Alec’s eyes followed the movement, finding it too energetic for how little he’d slept, and allowed himself a single second of snapping them closed.

“It is my responsibility,” Alec pointed out, though with a grateful smile. He’d taken almost a full day when Magnus had first gone missing, and all of the next when he’d got him back home. And though his workload hadn’t become too unmanageable in his absence, he still had a backlog, along with a sense of duty and guilt that he’d abandoned his role with only minimal explanation. Even if Magnus was worth every second of it. Even if those closest to him understood without question.

“So, share the load,” Jace shrugged, “seriously. How much of this stuff can me, or Izzy, or—”

“Thank you,” Alec said, cutting him off, “but I need to—”

“Alec,” Jace protested, clearly braced for an argument, “we’re quiet right now; no one’s gonna object, or comment—hell, probably even notice if you unload some of this stuff on to the rest of us for a while. You can still sign off on it, do all the stuff you need to, but just… let us help, okay? You don’t have to go through everything alone,”

“I just—”

“There’s nothing stopping you doing a ton of this stuff from home anyway,” Jace added, nodding towards the desk again. That no one had blinked, nor taken the opportunity to tease or make snide remarks about Alec moving into Magnus’ loft without ceremony all those months ago, was probably a testament to how good their circle of friends and family were. His parents had even, much to everyone’s surprise, sent a bouquet of flowers in congratulations; Magnus had tested every one individually for signs of anything malevolent, of course, but the gesture was an unexpected one that gave Alec a lot of hope for their acceptance of them together. And that Jace could refer to the loft as Alec’s home as easy as he’d just done without making any kind of deal out of it should really have put Alec at ease. But all he felt was on edge and out of place, wherever he was.  

“It’s—”

“Look,” Jace said then, his tone shifting a little to be firm with him in the way Alec allowed few people to do, “we’ll get through this. All of us. But you need to… you need to let us in, Alec. Don’t… just stop trying to deal with this on your own. Okay?”

Without looking, Alec reached out, sliding one of the files from the growing pile and flipping it open to glance over. “Wanna add your comments to this report about an outbreak of Shax demons in New Mexico that the Mundanes thought were aliens?” Alec snorted, tossing the file across the desk.

“What?”

“Yeah,” Alec laughed, smiling at Jace’s expression. “Or maybe… listen in on this meeting about a new coating to be trialed for seraph blades, to protect them from Behemoth slime?” he suggested, tapping at the reminder on his tablet.

“Isn’t that more… Izzy’s department? Biology, chemistry, all that?” Jace asked, flipping open the second file Alec handed him, and shaking his head with a slight grimace at the pictures there.

“She’s already attending,” Alec admitted, taking the file back, “I just—”

“Then let her attend. Report back. Do, whatever it is that needs to be done for this. You don’t need to be present for everything, Alec; it’s like you’re taking on even more stuff just to keep yourself occupied, when you’re already got more than enough you need to be dealing with,”

There really was no way to hide such things from his Parabatai, Alec thought then, closing his eyes and allowing himself to slump a little in defeat. And if Jace could feel the lengths he was going to, to keep himself busy, he didn’t like to imagine all the frustration and fear that he was having to residually deal with as well. He felt selfish for it, though could do little to change what emotions he was putting out.

“I’ve… I really need to go to these,” Alec said, gesturing at the tablet, and Jace coming around the desk to take a look for himself.

“Okay. But this, this, and this?” Jace said, pointing at the screen. “Not like I’ve not got time on my hands right now,”

Alec held his breath, debating back and forth with himself, then relenting with a sharp nod.

“And this?” Jace continued, pointing to another task. “Izzy’ll eat it up,”

“Yeah, I was… I was thinking I’d ask for her help on it anyway,” Alec admitted, making an amendment to a note on the screen.

“And Clary could—”

“No,”  

“Alec,”  

Alec closed his eyes at the tone in Jace’s voice, having already anticipated his reaction. “She’s spending the morning with Luke,”

Jace’s stance shifted a touch, settling somewhere between hostile and hesitant acceptance. “I know that,”

“And she’s checking something out for me this afternoon,” Alec added, raising an eyebrow and allowing himself to smirk a little at the look on Jace’s face, “so she’s already busy. I’m not… avoiding asking her for help, or anything,”

Looking both contrite and confused, Jace gave a quick nod of his head, and lasted all of five seconds before curiosity got the better of him. “What’s… what’s she doing?”

“Apparently, some kid checked out a book on runes in the New York Library, something to do with a paper in his pagan studies class,” Alec sighed, wondering at the pointlessness of Mundane education. “Turns out the runes are ours; kid tried to draw an _abundance_ rune on his wrist to… I don’t know, show off in class, or something,”

“What happened?” Jace asked, his eyes blowing a little wider.

“Thankfully, not much,” Alec replied with another pinched smile, “kid can’t draw too well, so it doesn’t appear to have done too much damage. Nothing lasting, anyway. But he started acting out of character, and when he started complaining about hearing voices, I guess his parents took him to the hospital to get checked out. He’s fine; but Clary’s gonna get that book and make sure there’s nothing else like it in circulation at the library, so the same thing can’t happen again,”

“Okay,” Jace said, still with a touch of defensiveness in his expression, before straightening his shoulders and nodding towards the desk once again, “good. Still think we can help you with all this though. Get your meetings done, and whatever stuff only you can do, but just… go home, Alec, okay? Not like you can’t get back here if we need you for something,”

“You really want me to sit through the torture of hours of Simon’s movies, huh?” Alec smiled, though already making a mental list of the things he needed to get done before he could leave.  

“You don’t have to pay attention to ‘em,” Jace pointed out with an amused smile, “not like he’s not gonna talk over everything that’s happening anyway. Just… I don’t know, zone out or something,”

Alec groaned, slumping forward a little at the thought of all that excited noise that might be waiting for him, though nodding in agreement, and already wishing he was at home.

“Thanks, Jace,”

* * *

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

In answer to his silent question, Alec took in the grimace on Simon’s face, the way his eyes darted to the side where Magnus laid half-sat up in the same position he’d left him in earlier that morning, and gave the tiniest shakes of his head, that would have gone unnoticed were he not looking for it, and bit back a sigh.  

“Hey,” he said anyway, shrugging out of his jacket as he crossed the room to drop to his knees in front of Magnus where he laid on the couch, bending to press a kiss to his cheek, nuzzling there for a second, and breathing him in a little before sitting back on his heels, raising a hand to run through his hair. “How’re you doing?”

So slow that Alec was unsure he’d even heard him, Magnus’ glazed eyes drifted from the TV screen to his face, fixing on him for a moment without a change of expression, then finally offered up the faintest of smiles. Alec watched as his hand snuck out from the comforter that he was sure Simon had insisted on throwing over him, and hid his surprise at the rarity of Magnus reaching for him, slotting his fingers through Magnus’ in a gentle squeeze, and smiling back.  

“You’re early,” Magnus observed, and Alec had to lean forward a little to hear him, so meek his voice had become compared with his usual tone, that he struggled to hear much of what he said.

“Yeah,” Alec agreed, raising their hands and kissing the back of Magnus’, “figured I could do some of it from home. Delegated some stuff out—”

“You did not need to come back early only for me,” Magnus told him, and Alec fought to keep his face from falling.

“Yeah, well, tough. I wanted to, so, you’re kind of stuck with me,”

Magnus stared back at him in silence once again, so hard it seemed to be right through him, and all Alec could do was hold perfectly still until he released him from it, asking his heart to stay calm.

“So. If you’re back, I might as well take off,” Simon announced, his voice uncertain, eyes darting between the two of them before blowing wide and alarmed. “Not that, you know, I’m in any hurry to leave or anything. I mean, I can stay if you want. We’ve still—”

“We’ll be fine,” Alec told him, smiling at the panicked look on his face, “thank you for coming,”

“Anytime,” Simon enthused, his eyes falling to Magnus’, “I mean, I’d prefer visiting when you’re not sick or anything. Not that this is your fault, of course, or—”

“Thanks, Simon,” Alec said again, fighting back a laugh, “we’ll see you soon,”

“Did you eat anything?” Alec asked the moment he heard Simon close the door behind him. Magnus shook his head a fraction and closed his eyes once again, settling back down after his mumbled goodbye. “Hungry?”

“Simon was going to heat up some soup after we finished this movie,” Magnus replied, not really giving an answer, his eyes opening just enough to look towards the now-silent TV screen before dropping closed once more.

“Will you eat something for me?” Alec asked, raising his hand to cup Magnus’ cheek and stroking his thumb there until he heard a small mumble of agreement. Alec held out his hands so he could help pull Magnus upright, then rewarded him with a kiss to the forehead once he sat back.

Making his way to the kitchen, Alec first stopped at the fridge to pull out a container of soup he’d ordered from one of Magnus’ favorite restaurants a couple of nights earlier, pouring it into a pan already waiting on the stove and lighting it, then spun on his heel to grab two bowls down from a cupboard. With a glance in Magnus’ direction, he steeled himself for complaint, and instead replaced the bowls with two oversized mugs; ones Magnus usually reserved for the hot chocolate they shared on cold evenings wrapped up together under blankets, hoping Magnus could hold a mug steadier in his hands than a bowl and spoon.  

Reaching across the counter, Alec dragged towards him a paper bag with half a loaf of bread inside, cutting a few generous slices and piling them up onto a plate. It was from a bakery Magnus insisted was the finest in Brooklyn, so he hoped for a positive response to it, wondering for a moment if this would be Magnus’ first meal of the day. He pulled his phone from his pocket to check the time and scowled, hoping that wasn’t the case.

Magnus accepted the mug without comment, cautiously raising it to his mouth and taking a hesitant sip, showing neither interest nor distaste. Alec was grateful for that at least, raising the plate of bread up for Magnus to take a slice and watching him methodically dunk it, barely able to eat himself for seeing how much Magnus was struggling with even such a simple task.

To cover up his concern and pretend he was at ease with the situation, Alec told Magnus of his morning, of Jace’s offer and the task he’d given Clary, and Izzy’s promise that she would stop by later that evening to see how he was doing. All through it Magnus made nothing but the odd noise of acknowledgement that he’d heard him, not adding any stories of his own, or showing any real interest in Alec’s.  

But Alec didn’t give up, instead conjuring up little snippets of information, embellishing them in ways he hoped would at least bring a flicker of a smile to Magnus’ face. His frustration must have been palpable, because when he returned from taking a little longer than necessary to clean up after their meal just to grasp a few seconds to compose himself, Magnus reached out to thread their fingers together again, and offered up a tiny smile.

“I’m sorry, Alec; I know this is... unpleasant for you,”

“It’s not,” Alec immediately denied, reaching out to cup his head in his hand and leaning in for a kiss. Magnus didn’t resist, but neither did he put much effort into kissing him back, and the lack of reaction had Alec’s heart thudding in soft protest all over again.

“I’d understand if…”

“If what?” Alec prompted, too impatient to wait when Magnus’ words failed him.

“If you… wanted to return to the Institute,”

“I don’t need to,” Alec replied, shaking his head and waving a dismissive hand over the bag down by his feet, “I’ve got everything I need to—”

“I meant,” Magnus interrupted, swallowing with difficulty, and apparently unable to look him in the eye, “this evening. If you wanted to sleep—”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Alec told him, hoping his tone was strong instead of stern with him, that thudding of his heart picking up another notch in further alarm.

“Alec—”

“This is my home. You’re my home,” Alec told him softly, leaning in for another kiss that turned into several he peppered over Magnus’ cheeks until Magnus let out a soft defeated sigh. “Why would I want to sleep anywhere else?”

“I was just—”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Alec replied a little more forcefully, just before a tendril of doubt announced its presence in his gut. “Unless… unless you’re saying you don’t want me here,”

“I never said that,” Magnus denied, and Alec took a little comfort in the way he squeezed his hand a little tighter, “I just… I’m aware that I’m… difficult, to be around right now,”

“You’re not difficult,” Alec replied, soft yet full of determination, “you’re never difficult to be around. Not for me, anyway. I don’t want—why’d I wanna be anywhere but here with you?”

Magnus stared back at him again, unblinking and so thoroughly, that Alec found himself holding his breath. Finally, just as Alec was about to plead with him all over again to just talk to him, Magnus relented with a slight nod and a pinched smile. And Alec tried to not show the surprise he felt when Magnus arranged himself so that he could drop his head in Alec’s lap, face turned away from him, curling himself up small. Alec hesitated for just a second then wrapped his arm around him as gentle as he could, all thoughts of finishing his work for the day forgotten.

* * *

 _It was unsettling, Alec thought, shifting as though he needed to fit back into his own skin, going through a portal that had not been opened by Magnus. Catarina had arrived in his office in a fluster less than ten minutes after receiving his message, mid-shift judging from her work clothes, demanding that he get Magnus back quickly and unharmed. She’d pushed a charm into his hand that would summon her when he needed to return, before telling him to focus on where he was going, then flourished her fingers and conjured a portal, all but shoving him through._  

_Standing there on an unfamiliar street, with no real idea of what was happening, or even what he was going to do to find Magnus, Alec wished for a moment that Catarina had stayed with him, then chided himself for being selfish, and forced himself to begin to walk._

_It wasn’t so much that he didn’t trust other warlocks to do as well as Magnus always did, Alec reflected as he walked—although perhaps there was an element of truth to that idea. It was the simple fact that it wasn’t Magnus; he’d grown used to the feel of Magnus’ magic, and anything else felt prickly, leaving him off balance and out of sorts, as though parts of him had come unstuck._

_Alec sighed to himself, rereading the address Raphael had pushed into his palm back at the Institute after making a couple of calls, then tried Magnus’ cell yet again. Wherever Magnus was, whatever he was doing, the cell’s battery had clearly run out; Alec cursed himself for having taken so long to get to where he was, despite things being out of his control, and only a couple of hours having passed._

_Catarina had told him all she knew of where he was headed before he’d left, though it hadn’t given Alec much to go on at all. Stone City, an area sat at the foot of Mount Hamilton in California and presumed to be one of the most pagan regions of America, was home to an unknown number of practicing pagans, both Downworlder and Mundane. They existed in what seemed to be an easy peace, with the area rarely being flagged up by the Clave as somewhere they needed to be worried about. It didn’t do much to comfort Alec though, growing increasingly more concerned for Magnus, and thinking of Jace, Izzy, and Clary back in the Institute keeping an eye on things in his absence—and how sure he was that there would be members of the Clave who would frown on that if they found out._

_With only Raphael’s brief lead to go on about Magnus possibly being in danger, and little more than an unsettled feeling in his gut, Alec had chosen to investigate a little for himself, to at least work out what he needed to do to find him. He’d thought about reporting to the Clave for only a second, and would personally consider a mission in a heartbeat—even with the limited information they had to go on; but he knew he would have difficulty convincing anyone else, and was torn between wanting to use all the resources he had to hand to find Magnus, and fearing the repercussions of showing such favoritism, how some would accuse him of having his judgement clouded._

_So Alec was alone, walking unfamiliar streets, following a route given to him in haste by Raphael as he was leaving, hoping that his counterpart there was no more abrasive or difficult than Raphael was to deal with at times himself._  

* * *

“I’m fine; leave me,”

The pained gasp accompanying Magnus’ words told another story, however, and Alec refused to let him out of his grip until he was seated, avoiding the scowl on his face for not doing as asked.

Another week had passed since Alec had got Magnus home, and Magnus had insisted he felt a little stronger, deciding that the best way to occupy himself as he recovered was to read up on magic lore. Alec hadn’t commented, thinking his own opinion that Magnus already knew everything there was to know about magic would come across as an unwanted bias, and had instead had to sit with his fists curled into his thighs to stop himself from chasing Magnus across the room as he staggered stubbornly towards a bookcase, the exertion of selecting then carrying the book back across leaving a sheen of sweat on his face, and his knees buckling just feet from the couch.

“I was thinking,” Alec said once he was sure Magnus’ breathing had evened out, his eyes falling to the trembling turning of pages, and wanting nothing more than to slam the book closed and wrap Magnus up in his arms, “maybe we can have a few people over. You kept telling me I needed an official moving in party, and I—”

“I am hardly in a fit state to do any sort of entertaining,” Magnus retorted without even looking up. Alec took another breath before speaking, forcing his voice to come out nonchalant.

“We could order in. No cooking, no entertaining. We can let Simon find us something to watch, or some of those Mundane games he—”

“The last time Simon attempted hosting an evening of games here, Raphael very nearly staked him,” Magnus pointed out. Alec remembered the evening in question, the square plastic sheet with a series of colored circles and the tangle of angry limbs that had followed, and conceded that he had a point.

“Well, maybe just dinner then,” Alec amended, “maybe just... put on some background music, and just—”

“Alec, whilst you live here, you can invite whoever you want,” Magnus said then, lifting his eyes for a second, “though you are surely aware how very quickly I tire; if you are happy to entertain our friends alone, then by all means,”

“Magnus,” Alec pleaded softly, tentatively raising a hand to wrap around his shoulder, wincing at the way it tensed under his grip, “people just… everyone wants to see you, to see how you’re doing. I just thought—”

“Everyone sees me all the time with this unofficial rota of babysitting you insist upon,” Magnus pointed out, turning the pages a little more forcefully to show his annoyance at that, though obviously not reading a single word.

“Magnus, I—”

“Do you know how frustrating it is to be a burden to the people you were once the protector of?” Magnus said then, his voice cracking a little under the strain. “Can you imagine how useless I feel, that I can’t even walk across a room without you thinking you need to hold me up?”

“You’re not a burden,” Alec denied, squeezing a little tighter, his fingers brushing down Magnus’ arm, but Magnus yanking himself out of his grip, “you’re never a—”

“Alec,” Magnus said, his tone becoming clipped and furious, “you need to accept the reality that this may be all I am now,”

“Magnus, I—”

“You need to acknowledge that the man you literally carried back here, is not the same one that you thought that you fell in love with,”

“I did fall in love with you, Magnus,” Alec countered, his heart kicking up a storm of worry, “there was no _thinking_ about it; I fell in love with—”

“I am not who I was,” Magnus told him, lifting his head and regarding him sternly, though the tremble of his jaw told Alec just how hard he was struggling to get his words out.

“I don’t care about that,” Alec protested, “I don’t; I just… why won’t you let me in, Magnus?”

“Because you will soon tire of me—”

“I won’t,” Alec denied, snapping his head from side to side adamantly.

“—and I would rather not bear my soul knowing that you might soon be gone,”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Alec told him, hating having to say those words as much that time as he had every other time he’d had reason to say them. “I’m—”

“And besides,” Magnus continued, swallowing with difficulty and turning his face from him, “you will not like what you see,”

“Can’t you let me be the judge of that?” Alec pleaded, reaching for him again. Magnus didn’t move that time, though when Alec curled his fingers around his forearm, the tension there did nothing but make his heart pound harder still.

“I would understand if you walked away from me,” Magnus said softly, still turning the pages as though he thought he was fooling Alec into believing he was reading. “I am prepared for that. Or rather, I am preparing—”

“Never,” Alec denied frantically, “I’ll never—”

“Maybe it would have been better for you to leave me there,” Magnus added with a sigh, absently closing the book and pushing it to fall to the couch cushions, the image Magnus’ words conjuring for Alec nothing but dark.

“Magnus—”

“I’m tired, Alec. So very tired,”

Before Alec could say or do anything at all, Magnus was dragging himself up on unsteady feet and pacing away from him, without saying another word. Alec waited until the bedroom door closed, and allowed himself a single sob of frustration, before furiously wiping his tears away, and telling himself to focus. He reached into the bag by his feet, snatching up a handful of work to go through, though was only able to picture holding Magnus limp in his arms as they paced away from an ominous-looking forest.  

Alec lifted his head again when the words blurred before him, staring towards their bedroom, hoping that by the time he got to bed, Magnus would have relaxed enough to not flinch from him lying by his side.

* * *

_“Shouldn’t I be talking to… I don’t know, a Seelie, or something about this?” Alec asked, the look of contempt the vampire gave him being answer enough._

_It had taken an age for someone to open the door of the house Alec had found himself outside, and Alec was surprised to find himself shown in by a Mundane. He’d followed them through on creaking floorboards to a room shrouded completely in darkness, a single lightbulb bathing the room in a muted glow, as a figure in black rose swiftly from where they had been resting, turning their full attention on him._

_“If you want to be talked in circles and told nothing, sure,” the vampire answered, studying his fingers in a bored kind of way that conflicted with the tone of his voice. “Raphael suggested that you had more sense than that, though,”_

_That Raphael had found something almost-positive to say about him to Anderson, the head of the clan there, had Alec snorting in derision, but he nodded anyway, and made a better introduction of himself than his initial, worried demands._

_“So. Magnus is missing,” he concluded with after explaining his presence, bringing the subject back to where he needed it to be, “he thought he was coming here to help with a warlock dispute—”_

_“And got duped by a group of lesser Fair Folk,” Anderson finished for him, the last of those words spat out in distaste, “I know; it was I who alerted Raphael about my misgivings,”_

_“Lesser?” Alec asked, ignoring the snide tone of his voice, already going through a list of possibilities for what_ lesser _might mean, and wondering how much backup it was going to take._

_“Pixies,” Anderson nodded, staring back at him intently as though to gauge his reaction._

_“Pixies,” Alec repeated, unable to disguise his disdain, unable to picture anything but the toys favored by Mundane children, and immediately feeling sure that this had been nothing but a major misunderstanding. Then reminding himself Magnus still hadn’t returned any of his calls or messages, and began panicking all over again._

_“Not whatever pixies you’re imagining,” Anderson countered, raising an eyebrow as though reading his mind, “these people are cruel, wicked; possibly the most capable of all Fae, when it comes to twisted words and deceit,”_

_“Raphael said no one knew exactly where the messages were coming from,” Alec said then, hearing his own words come out hostile._

_“We have looked into it since then,” Anderson shrugged, “we haven’t found out much. But we know more than we did this morning,”_

_“Okay,” Alec replied, ready to be educated if it meant getting him to Magnus, “so what do I need to know about pixies?”_

_“You mean, you’ve never had contact with one?” Anderson asked, his voice lifting with genuine surprise. “I thought you Shadowhunters were well versed in all of the Downworld, so you can control us more effectively,”_

_Alec thought about denying it was for control, then raised his hands in what he hoped was a placating gesture. “We can’t know everything,”_

_“Apparently not,”_

_“So tell me,” Alec insisted, growing in impatience, and desperate to get looking for Magnus, even if he didn’t know where to start._

_“Pixies,” Anderson replied, beginning to pace around the room, without taking his eyes off Alec as he moved, “are not really so very different from regular Seelies,”_

_“Just… a lot smaller,” Alec added, recalling that much at least from his training, and earning himself a derisory snort._

_“A half-truth perpetuated by the Seelies, no doubt,” Anderson sighed, stroking his fingers over a table as he passed. “Pixies on the whole are shorter than the Seelies you may know, but not by as much as they would like you to imagine. You should probably already know never to comment on a Seelie’s height if you don’t wish to offend them; this is one of the reasons. They do not like the comparison. Their height makes them… superior to the pixies, and others of their kind,”_

_Alec let that information sink in despite it not being much use to him right then, and signaled for him to continue, until a thought occurred to him. “I thought… pixies are from… aren’t they supposed to be from England? Cornden, or something?”_

_“Cornwall,” Anderson corrected, with a mocking smile, “and some of them, yes. Not all. Though, are you telling me that it is beyond your imagination, that Mundanes could have crossed the seas to America all those centuries ago, yet Downworlders could not?”_

_“I… hadn’t thought of it like that,” Alec admitted, shaking his head, and adjusting his stance a little._

_“No, of course not,” Anderson retorted, though mostly under his breath._  

_“So, what else?” Alec asked, when Anderson didn’t immediately begin speaking again, desperate to move things forward yet feeling suspended and unsure of where to start._

_“What else do you know about pixies?” Anderson countered, sizing him up a little, though Alec couldn’t tell what for._

_“Not much,” Alec admitted, “I… they can’t lie, just like all Seelie. They… look similar? Like, with the ears—”_

_Anderson’s eyes followed the lifting of Alec’s hand to gesture towards his own ears and lingered there, making him drop his hand awkwardly down by his side._

_“—they’ve… got wings like… that look a bit like insect wings,”_

_“That much is true,” Anderson conceded with a slight bow of his head. “Anything else?”_

_“Uh…” Alec tried, racking his brains for any residual knowledge lingering there, “they like… I don’t know, bright, colorful, shiny stuff—”_

_“Yet another half-truth no doubt perpetuated by the other Seelies,” Anderson said, cutting him off with a dismissive wave of his hand, “the point of which I’m sure, is to point out just how untrustworthy pixies are compared with them. To make people believe that pixies are little more than tricksters and thieves,”_

_“Yeah, but there’s got to be more to them than that if they’ve been sending out messages fooling clan leaders and—and warlocks, into thinking their help was needed, right?” Alec countered, impatient for any information that might move things forward._

_“Their childlike tone is often mistaken for little more than the mischief of youth,” Anderson added as though Alec hadn’t spoken at all, turning his eyes away from him and walking across the room, “yet their illusions are some of the most formidable, able to fool all five major senses of the person—or people they are attempting to deceive at once. It is a complex trickery; far more skilled than most would give them credit for,”_

_“And these… illusions,” Alec prompted, trying not to show any kind of reaction as Anderson pulled a bottle of what had to be blood from a tall fridge behind him, and began sipping at it like Magnus might a cocktail._

_“It is almost impossible to tell you are in a pixie illusion, unless you know what you are looking for,” Anderson replied, observing him coolly. “They take over your sight, alter your hearing, even change the way you taste something; all to build the illusion. And once they have you, they can get you to do just about anything they want,”_

_“So what would they want with Magnus?” Alec asked, fighting back the bile rising in his throat for imagining Magnus stuck in a world of pixie invention, though not really knowing what that might mean._

_“I hear he is powerful,” Anderson shrugged before draining the bottle and setting it down on the side, “they must believe that he can help,”_

_Alec shifted from foot to foot, trying to rein in his frustration and not strike out. “Help with what?”_

* * *

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

Sunday mornings had gifted Alec some of his favorite memories since Magnus had come into his life. Gone were the drab, monochrome walls of the Institute, where his routines showed little variation, and in place was a bright canvas of colors, a soft, luxurious bed, and a man who loved him simply, exactly how he was, never expecting Alec to change anything about himself.

But as he slid his palm out against the silk sheets beneath him in the hope of coming into contact with Magnus’ skin, those memories of previous Sundays that had softened him to the world of waking found the bed empty, and Alec’s heart had sunk so many times in the past few days for Magnus’ refusal to open up, that the ache he felt seemed little more than an overstretch of muscle. Alec rolled his shoulders, glanced once up at the ceiling, and swung his feet over the side of the bed.

He found Magnus stood still as a statue at the closed door of his balcony, and if it wasn’t for Alec’s insistence on opening it up every now and then for fresh air, he was sure Magnus would prefer it permanently closed. His shutting himself off from the world left messages unread, visitors awkwardly looking to Alec for guidance, and so many questions from the people that cared about him that Alec didn’t have an answer to.

“Good morning,” Alec called anyway, debating with himself about it then reaching out to rest his hands around Magnus’ waist. Magnus didn’t flinch, which Alec chose to take as a good sign; even as Magnus’ current version of encouragement. Alec was proved wrong about that seconds later, however, when he hooked his chin over Magnus’ shoulder and he allowed it for only a heartbeat, before shrugging out of his grip.

“You should eat,” Magnus said, making his way to the kitchen, clicking on the coffee machine and pouring all his effort into the task. “I’m sure you have a full day ahead at the Institute—”

“It’s Sunday, Magnus,” Alec said, standing and watching, knowing better than to intervene in what Magnus was doing. His strength was returning slowly, and he loathed any efforts by Alec that could be seen as fussing, and never knowing what kind of mood he was going to find Magnus in left Alec feeling as though there was a constant bomb to defuse.

Magnus paused, one hand out to reach for a cup as the other rested over the switch on the machine, and Alec’s stomach flipped for the way his shoulders seemed to drop in disappointment.

“Did you… have somewhere to be?” he asked, wondering what Magnus had planned without him. Though if it meant him doing something, getting out of the apartment, Alec thought, then he’d be selfish to object.

Magnus spun on him then, too quickly judging by the way his hand was out and balanced against the counter to keep him upright, a tiny huff of annoyance escaping his lips before he got all the way round. “Where would I have to be, Alec?” he demanded, staring back at him and waiting for an answer.

“I—”

“It’s not like I can fulfill any of my usual services,” Magnus pointed out, anger lacing through his words, “and I doubt any of my clients would be interested in a social call,”

“I just—”

“Though if _you_ have somewhere to go, then I would highly suggest—”

“Enough,” Alec barked then, immediately angry with himself for the tone of it and the way Magnus seemed to shrink in response, and softening it to, “please,”

Magnus’ lips pinched together like he was attempting to seal in further outbursts, and then he gave a stiff nod, turning back to preparing coffee. Alec sucked in a breath, bracing himself for Magnus’ response, a sinking feeling of dread pooling bile in his throat, that he swallowed away a couple of times before he could get any further words out.

“Unless you’re telling me you don’t want me here—”

“When have I said that—”

“Then my only job today, is being here with you,” Alec announced in a tone he hoped left no room for argument. Seeing Magnus stiffen up further still in response, however, left Alec cursing himself under his breath for his choice of words.

“ _Job_ ,” Magnus repeated softly, full of bitterness, busying himself unnecessarily, and keeping Alec firmly to his back.

“I didn’t mean it like you’re a job I have to do, or anything,” Alec tried to say, wincing at Magnus’ answering huff, “I meant… I didn’t mean anything, okay? I just thought… I thought we could spend the day together—”

“Doing what?”

“Magnus,” Alec said then, crossing the room and rounding on him, gently gripping around his forearm and ducking so they were at eye level, “please. I can’t… I can’t know how you’re feeling about all this, and I can’t—I can’t fix this. But you won’t even… you won’t even talk to me. I can’t… how can I know if you need anything from me, if you won’t—”

“I don’t need anything,” Magnus countered, dragging himself up a little taller, and beginning to turn back around.

“Magnus,” Alec pleaded, reaching out to grip his other arm and stumbling forward, “can we at least talk about this? You’ve been back, what… ten days now? And you’re not… you haven’t said a single thing about it. Every time I try and talk, you just… shut me down,”

“What is there to talk about, Alec?” Magnus demanded, though thankfully for Alec, not pulling out of his grasp.

“How you’re feeling about it,” Alec tried, shifting a little, “what you’re thinking. How—”

“I’m feeling broken, Alec,” Magnus replied, his voice cracking a touch. “I’m feeling worthless. I’m feeling as though my whole existence has been snatched from my grasp. And I’m thinking that there is no way for me to make you understand what that means. What it is like,”

“You’re not broken, Magnus,” Alec denied, shaking his head, hating the way Magnus’ lip trembled, “this might not even be permanent. You might—”

“Everything is speculation,” Magnus retorted, stepping back from him and continuing to make a grand task out of making coffee, “we cannot know if—”

“It wouldn’t matter either way, if—”

“It would matter to me,”

Magnus spun back to him far too quickly, having to reach out and steady himself on Alec’s arms, and from the look on his face, hating himself for it.

“I didn’t mean—”

“I know you didn’t,” Magnus smiled, his expression morphing between softening for realizing the hurt his words caused, and fighting to keep himself from getting even more upset, “but you can’t understand—”

“Magnus,” Alec said, steeling himself and pressing a kiss to Magnus’ cheek, allowing himself no further contact for fear of truly upsetting him, “talk, or don’t talk. Help me try to understand, or keep going over it all in your own head; it doesn’t matter—I'd prefer it if you didn't, obviously—but so long as it helps you. So long as you realize, there isn’t a single thing you can say—or do—that’s gonna push me away, okay?"

"It's not about... pushing you away—"

"I feel like you’re… like you’re trying to prove you’re not good enough for me or something, the way you keep lashing out," Alec forced himself to say, voicing the truth of what he'd been thinking for the past few days. "Like… you’re trying to put ideas, or words in my head—things you’re expecting me to say, or do. Or even just _think_. I’m not going,” Alec finished with saying, raising an eyebrow and challenging Magnus to argue.

Magnus stared back, his lip trembling, his eyes budding with tears, but he said nothing at all.

“Here’s what I’m gonna do,” Alec said then, leaning in to kiss his cheek again, telling himself to keep calm, not give in to the tears and frustration he was feeling, “I’m gonna go downstairs, go to that place the does the waffles I know you can eat six of in one sitting, and I’m gonna come back here, and we’re gonna have breakfast together,”

“Alec—”

“We’re gonna lay on the couch, watch some of that awful stuff Simon recorded for you, and you’re gonna just let me be with you, if you won’t talk. That okay with you?” he asked, holding his breath in case Magnus would to disagree with him anyway.

“That… if you’d like—”

“Would _you_ like that,” Alec countered immediately, shaking his head and refusing Magnus the opportunity to make it all about him. “I can go get you anything you want. We can sit here in complete silence, or we can… I don’t know; you can read me some of that warlock history book we started a couple of weeks back before—We can listen to music; just… anything. Please, just... just don’t shut me out,”

Magnus’ eyes grew brighter still, and the tremble along his lip spread to his jaw, showing just how much he was fighting against falling apart. Alec wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in his arms and take him back to bed, but knew Magnus wouldn’t allow it. So he kept perfectly still, aching to reach for him, and waited to see what he would let him do.

“Waffles sound good,” Magnus replied after a long pause, offering up a weak smile before turning away again, and staring at the coffee machine as though that might have an answer for all his problems.

“Good,” Alec replied with a smile, moving away from him before he could do anything on instinct; Magnus’ hand snagged his in passing, catching his fingers and squeezing for a second, then dropping away again. Alec kept walking, telling himself he was being ridiculous savoring the lingering heat of Magnus’ grasp.

* * *

 _“We are a small clan here,” Anderson said, playing with the long strands of his hair as he watched Alec thoughtfully, then gesturing for him to follow into another, equally darkened room. “This is a predominantly… magical area. Full of witches and warlocks—both natural-born, and those Mundanes who would… dabble in things they don’t understand—as well as those few who show true talent,” he conceded as an afterthought, with a touch of grudging respect. Alec did nothing but stare back, the information not anything that he thought would help._  

_“We share a cautious relationship,” Anderson continued after a short pause, “an accord if you will, that in some ways unites us against Seelies of all kinds. We are naturally suspicious of their ways, and this case with your friend—”_

_“He’s not my_ friend _,_ _” Alec denied, bristling with what was probably unnecessary anger, ready to kick up a storm._

_“Boyfriend. Lover. Betrothed; whatever you wish to call yourselves,” Anderson amended, observing Alec more thoroughly, “though I doubt any such labels will mean much to the pixies. Unless, of course, it can be manipulated in their favor; you are a Shadowhunter, after all, and the two forces combined—”_

_“So what do they want with Magnus?” Alec asked again, aware of how time was ticking away from him, and feeling helpless, not caring for what sounded like a rhetorical debate._

_“I suppose it was not your—not Magnus, specifically, that they were interested in,” Anderson replied, trailing his fingers in a lazy pattern up the length of the armchair he’d sank into, “he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time,”_

_“He wasn’t anywhere,” Alec denied, ignoring the wave of a hand suggesting he sit down opposite, “he—”_

_“Then he heard a plea for help and came running. A warlock of his status as well,” Anderson added, seeming even more amused, “how noble—”_

_“Look—”_

_“It must have been a delightful surprise to the pixies, knowing they had ensnared the High Warlock of Brooklyn,” Anderson continued, letting out a small peal of laughter, “what is the Mundane expression? That all their Christmases had come at once, I believe,”_

_“Anderson,” Alec bit out, failing to keep his voice steady, failing not to show his anger at Anderson’s deliberately slow unveiling of his tale, “tell me what I need to do. Please. That’s all I care about,”_

_“I suppose you’ll have to go directly to them,” Anderson sighed, turning his eyes to the ceiling and appearing bored. Alec wondered if that was a particular trait of all vampires, knowing the longevity of their lives meant that any fleeting concerns of those who were mere mortal were an irritation, a temporary inconvenience that would be resolved with the passage of time. It was something he and Magnus had talked about heavily early on in their relationship; ever since Magnus had done his best to consider things from both a mortal and immortal perspective, and Alec had shoved the thought of Magnus’ immortality right to the back of his mind._

_“Then tell me how to get there, wherever there is,” Alec demanded, gripping his hands in tight fists down by his sides._

_“I thought you wanted to know what they wanted with him,” Anderson asked then, and it took all Alec had not to growl out in frustration._

_“I did. I do,” Alec insisted, “but since you’re stalling on telling me, either you don’t know anything, or you think this is some kind of game. I don’t have time for it,”_

_“Now there’s the Alec Lightwood I was promised,” Anderson smiled then, leaning forward with his elbows pressed into his thighs as he studied Alec, “Raphael said you were short-tempered—”_

_“I’m not—” Alec began to say, but the image of Magnus trapped somewhere and not knowing where that was cut off his words more abruptly than anything else could. “—look. I don’t really care what you think of me, or why this is all so funny to you—or even what you’re gaining from wasting my time. Either you know something, or you don’t; I can come back here with my team and look into this for myself if I have to—”_

_“You’d be on Los Angeles territory,” Anderson pointed out, smiling at him in a way that put Alec’s teeth on edge, “I’m sure your colleagues here would object. Or at least, want to get involved, know what was happening; forgive me, but I don’t believe they’d be as interested or invested in helping a Downworlder, as you might be yourself,”_  

_Alec’s patience finally broke. He stepped forward, standing directly in front of Anderson so that he had no way of moving past him should he choose to stand. No way of mistaking his intentions of doing whatever was necessary to get Magnus back._

_“Do I look like I care about any of that?”_

* * *

If he let himself believe it, Alec could pretend that everything between them was normal. That Magnus was curled against his chest in their bed as he had been countless times before, and that they were about to fall asleep together; in his opinion, the perfect end to any day. But as he cradled Magnus close to him, holding as tight as he dared for fear of him waking and the momentary closeness between them beginning to crumble, Alec couldn’t even bring himself to close his eyes, not wanting to find out if this was a dream.

They’d come to bed a couple of hours ago, with Alec exhausted from dealing with a couple of emergencies raised at the Institute whilst still doing all he could to continue working from home. Magnus had been as tired as had become his normal state of being, and they’d tumbled into bed together, with Alec’s eyes fixing on Magnus’ back turned to him in a gesture that had quickly become all too familiar.

But when Alec had finally found himself on the edge of sleep, he’d felt Magnus stirring beside him, and had done his best not to jolt with surprise as he’d rolled over to deposit himself on Alec’s chest. He’d held perfectly still for what had to have been a good five minutes before even daring to raise his arms to hold on to him. And it was taking reserves of strength he didn’t think he had not to pull him closer still, drop kisses over the crown of his head in the way he’d done so many times before to rouse Magnus awake.

Magnus’ breath ghosted over his skin then, and Alec squeezed a little tighter, staring up at the ceiling as the light coming in through the window cast shadows across it, and willed himself to either concentrate on those, or go to sleep.  

Magnus apparently had other ideas, however, or at least, his subconscious did, because for the first time in the two weeks since they’d returned from Stone City, Magnus was instigating some kind of intimacy with him. Dropping sleepy kisses over his chest and nuzzling his way into Alec’s neck, with Alec torn between reciprocating, and pulling back in fear of those kisses being accidental and unmeant.

Magnus stirred against him then, and Alec couldn’t help letting out a soft moan at the feel of him hardening against his thigh, couldn’t hold back from doing the same himself despite fighting not to. Magnus’ kisses became more insistent, and his palm swept in a wide claim down his chest, but the moment his forearm brushed against Alec’s stirring length he stilled as though caught out, his head raising slowly, and two cat eyes blinking down at Alec in the dark.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispered, sounding mortified, his warlock mark fading instantly as he began to pull away. Alec let him go, not wanting Magnus to think he felt entitled to anything from him, no matter how badly he wanted an entirely different outcome to what was happening. But he still needed to comfort him, to take that horrified look from his face, whatever it took.

“It’s okay—”

“I shouldn’t have,” Magnus protested, clearly wide awake, and from the contrite tone of his voice apparently brimming with guilt.

“Hey,” Alec said, following as Magnus slid back onto his side, wrapping his hand around Magnus’ hip and mirroring him, nuzzling against his cheek before pulling back, “you’ve got nothing to apologize for,”

“But I am… I cannot… not like this—”

“I wasn’t asking you to, Magnus,” Alec assured him, sweeping his hand up to settle comfortably on his waist, “that’ll happen whenever you’re ready for it to happen. What’s important now, is that you try to get well—”

“I may never be what I was, Alec,” Magnus said then, the desperation in his voice jolting straight through Alec’s stomach, the same phrase he’d repeated what felt constantly since their arrival in the loft.

“You’ll still be you,” Alec countered, steeling himself for a reaction, then leaning in just enough to claim a quick kiss, “you’ll still be mine. I’ll still love you the same; that’s not gonna change just because—”

“I am different, Alec,” Magnus insisted, his voice cracking with sorrow, “I may not—”

“Magnus. I’m not going anywhere,” Alec told him then, shuffling a fraction closer, and raising his hand to cup his face, “I don’t care how long it takes, or what it takes to make you realize that— to make you see—”

“You cannot want me like this,” Magnus said then, so soft, and so certain about it, that it broke Alec’s heart.

“I want you like anything,” Alec answered, taking a risk and closing the gap between them so that they were chest to chest, wrapping his arm securely around Magnus’s waist, “I want you no matter what,”

“How can you be so sure?”

The pause before Magnus spoke broke Alec just as much as the tiny sob that blasted its way from between his lips. But then Magnus was burrowing himself beneath his chin and clinging on to Alec so tightly, that he was sure it was going to leave marks. All Alec could do in the darkness of their room was reassure him, mumble platitudes and words of encouragement as Magnus quietly cried himself to sleep, hoping that at least some of his words got through to him, and that Magnus would find the words he needed to talk.

* * *

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Catarina tells me that I am an impossible patient,”

Alec paused from where he’d been tucking in blankets and pillows around Magnus on the couch after he’d complained of feeling cold, and offered him an uncertain smile. Magnus took it as a prompt, nodding to himself as he wriggled down into the cocoon of warmth Alec had created for him.

“She would know; she has cared for me when I have had both normal and magical ailments,”

“I… guess I didn’t realize you could get, uh… both,” Alec said, surprised, “I mean, I know Mundanes can get—”

“Warlock influenza can be quite lethal, if adequate rest is not taken,” Magnus said then, and a huff escaped Alec’s mouth before he could stop it.

“You? Rest? That’s almost impossible,” Alec blurted out to follow that huff, holding his breath, then relieved when Magnus’ eyes crinkled, and his mouth curved up into the smallest of smiles.

“Like I said; I know I am a difficult patient,”

“Yeah, well, you’d do the same for me,” Alec countered, shifting a little from foot to foot under the weight of Magnus’ stare.

“Oh, but you are almost the perfect patient,” Magnus retorted, and for a second, Alec thought, there was a flavor of his normal, teasing tone there in his voice. “The few times I have had to care for you, you have kept perfectly still; my only complaint is that you didn’t recover more quickly,”

“Yeah. Sorry about that,” Alec replied, pasting on a smile, though aching so much for this ghost of the way they used to be together, that it almost had him needing to turn on his heel and leave for a minute to compose himself.

“I don’t mean to be difficult, Alec,” Magnus said then, reaching out as though not sure his touch would be welcomed, and snagging his fingers through Alec’s.

Alec swallowed back the lump in his throat at the gesture, so desperate to curl himself up on Magnus where he was laid out that he didn’t trust himself to move much at all, allowing himself one quick squeeze of his fingers back, and the tiniest of smiles.

“Truly, I—”

“It’s fine, Magnus,” Alec said, reaching out with his other hand to grip Magnus’ between his, “I get it. I mean I get why you’re… I’m not saying I can understand what you’re going through, ‘cos I can’t, but—”

“Thank you for not giving up on me,” Magnus said then, soft and fractured as anything, making Alec stagger closer to him, and barely hold back the sob in his throat.

“Never,” he spat out thickly, shaking his head to back it up, “I won’t give up on you. I won’t,”

“You might,” Magnus said, looking down at their hands, “you might have to. If—”

“I won’t,” Alec repeated more firmly, stepping closer still.

“Alec, I—”

“Please,” he whispered, not trusting what he might sound like if he let himself speak at a higher volume, “please,”

Magnus held himself still, and Alec had the distinct impression he was holding back another retort, but after a moment his expression morphed into a pained smile, and he was giving a sharp nod of his head.  

“Why don’t you… sit with me,” Magnus offered, and Alec had no way of knowing where he meant. He’d have loved to raise Magnus’ head enough so he could sit and drop it back in his lap, or to stretch out on the couch himself and wrap Magnus up in his arms. But with neither of those options being things he was sure Magnus would even welcome, Alec sank to the floor, sitting in front of him and stretching his legs out, allowing himself to tip his head back just enough to press in Magnus’ side. Squeezing his eyes shut against the tears forming and the hesitant, unsure feel of Magnus playing with his hair.

* * *

_“Something else you probably don’t know about pixies, is that they live—exist, in swarms,”_

_Alec stared back at Anderson not quite sure what to say, thinking perhaps that might be for the best, since being cooped up in the vampire’s home until sundown was doing nothing for his nerves. But curiosity got the better of him, especially since Anderson seemed to have already learned to wait him out; with a relenting sigh, Alec narrowed his eyes a little, and thought about what to ask._

_“Swarms? Like… flies?”_

_“You might not want to use that particular tone when talking to them,” Anderson smiled, seeming thoroughly amused, “but yes. No; I don’t honestly know. Vampire clans, we vary in numbers, depending on the location, or other factors that I’m sure, as a Shadowhunter, you wouldn’t want to be hearing,”_

_“Okay—”_

_“But pixies, they thrive on mass numbers. In fact, that’s likely the very reason Magnus has been ensnared like he has,”_

_“I don’t—”_

_“For whatever reason—the Mundanes’ continual mistreatment of the environment, unfavorable conditions that are out of anyone’s control—I don’t have the answer. But the pixie swarm here has been massively depleted in recent months. There can only be a few hundred—”_

_“Few hundred?” Alec repeated, horrified. If they really were the tricky creatures that Anderson was painting them to be—the ones that had managed to conjure up an illusion so powerful that it had tricked even Magnus, then surely that number was already something of concern._

_“I don’t know the specifics,” Anderson shrugged, gracefully raising to his feet and walking towards the window, “generally, we hear very little of them, unless there’s trouble. But I’ve heard rumor of there being close to 2000 just a year ago. That is a huge number to lose, I’m sure you would agree,”_

_Alec tried to get his head around that figure, but couldn’t. “So… they’ve been… Raphael said they’ve been trying to contact clan leaders. Anyone who would listen—”_

_“It seems as though our pixie friends are getting desperate,” Anderson agreed, cautiously pulling back a corner of the curtain and nodding to himself to find it was now fully dark outside. “They are looking for ways to replenish their numbers—”_

_“How’s calling on other people gonna help them with that?” Alec objected, telling himself not to jump up and demand that they leave—wherever they were going—and completely failing to hide the tension coursing through him._

_“I can only presume that some of the conditions needed for pixie... reproduction, are not being met. They are creatures of nature; though I suppose we are all that,” Anderson amended to himself, finally turning around and gesturing towards the door._

_“So—”_

_“In order for pixies to reproduce, it takes more than just the… traditional method. And since something appears to have interfered with whatever else it is that they require, it seems the pixies are looking for outside help,”_

_“Outside help,” Alec repeated, following him out of the house, “what—”_

_“Perhaps they hope that demon blood, or vampire venom, or… whatever source of what they see as power, can help them rebuild their numbers. It is a complicated process,” Anderson finished with, calmly walking beside him as though there was no urgency to what they were doing._

_Alec had been firing off messages back to the Institute ever since arriving, dealing with queries remotely, and keeping Jace up to date with the things he’d found out—which apparently wasn’t much. Alec’s repeated suggestion that he arrange for a team from the Institute to join them had met with Anderson’s disdain; Alec didn’t know whether it was because Anderson had nothing to lose, or that they genuinely didn’t need to be as panicked as he was feeling, but the entire day had been an exercise in the frustration of helpless waiting. Alec needed something to get his hands on, something to strike out against, to stop feeling so out of his depth._

_“So... that’s it? That’s all they want?” Alec asked, picturing nothing more than a sample of Magnus’ blood being needed, hearing the hope in his voice and earning a mirthless laugh off to his side._

_“While I clearly know more than you do,” Anderson replied, turning his eyes to him and fixing him with a mocking look, “I do not know all. I don’t know what you need to do here; all I’m doing is taking you to the area you’re most likely to find pixies that may be willing to talk,”_

_“I need backup,” Alec mumbled, regretting being alone there then more than he had done since arriving, and earning himself another laugh._

_“Pixie ways are not your ways, Shadowhunter,” Anderson told him. “They are tricksy, thrive on confusion, and enjoy nothing more than mischief. But they are not you. They are not violent, or aggressive, unless provoked. That you come alone shows trust, invites for an easier conversation,”_

_“Raphael said Magnus was in danger,” Alec retorted, unable to keep his voice from raising in angry fear._

_“Raphael said he feared Magnus was in danger,” Anderson corrected as he pointed out a path for them to take, “I do not know what existence you all live in Brooklyn for him to not know pixies pose no real threat, but I think it’s time you had yourself a little education,”_

_“He didn’t know they were pixies,” Alec countered, earning himself an irritated huff._

_“Then all the more reason for him not to have concerned you,”_

_“But they’re holding Magnus,” Alec bit back, growing increasingly distressed, “that is a real threat—”_

_“When they have what they want they will let him go,” Anderson sighed, dismissing his concern with a wave of his hand, “he will likely return to you mostly unharmed,”_

_“Mostly,” Alec repeated, shaking his head, “what does—”_

_“You will have to ask them,” Anderson said, cutting him off, gesturing towards the trees in the distance. Alec turned to look for himself, speeding up a little in his haste to get to Magnus, his heart pounding harder as a mist shaped and formed in front of the trees, and began to swirl towards them._

* * *

“There was an… incident. When I was travelling across Europe, some—many years ago,”

Alec heard the hesitance in Magnus’ tone, tried not to show his surprise at the change of subject, and nodded for him to continue talking.

“A rumor about a young _witch child_ had begun to be whispered around the residence I was staying at. I was there on vacation, so tried to pay little attention to what was being said; I led a far more… decadent lifestyle then, than I do now,” Magnus added, and the flicker on his face had Alec imagining all kinds of things that made him feel a little sick, but again he tried to appear neutral.

It was a dark, rainy day there in New York, with barely any light streaming in through the windows, and they had been sprawled out on the couch for a couple of hours, tentatively talking about Magnus’ experience in Stone City. They’d got as far as Magnus admitting he’d realized he’d been duped into going almost as soon as he had portaled over, and how following that he remembered little of anything; only a sensation of being suspended, and of his thoughts not always being his own.

“After the second day there, I couldn’t help hearing about the violence, the rampage this child seemed to be going on seemed… out of control,” Magnus continued; Alec grimaced at the image that created, and nodded, though trying and failing to picture Magnus in the time he was talking about.  

“So what happened?”

Magnus’ lips turned up into a bittersweet, sickly-looking smile. “I ignored it. Listened to the stories, of course; how could anyone not listen to the apparent horror that was unfolding? But I ignored it; I had not long before then dealt with a particularly brutal case of revenge, and was determined not to get involved in anything else so… dramatic,”

“That’s understandable,” Alec offered, though the look Magnus gave him said otherwise. He pinched his lips together, promising himself he wouldn’t interrupt again, and nodded for him to carry on.

“Deaths began to pile up,” Magnus sighed, “some of it sounded too fantastical to be even possible, so I kept just listening. Imagining that the Mundanes telling the tales were embellishing them, as they sometimes—often do, and repeating to myself that I would not get involved. I was determined to enjoy my freedom, feeling like I had earned myself a little… selfishness,”

Alec stared back, giving him space to talk, and he couldn’t tell from Magnus’ expression if that was what he wanted from him or not.

“Anyway. I was preparing to leave; four days seemed an adequate time to remain in the city, and I had seen, and done, all that I intended,” and Magnus’ eyes darted away from him again as his words trailed off, leaving Alec curious for more details yet adamant they were things he probably wouldn’t want to hear. “I paid my tab, collected my belongings, made arrangements for my onward travel, already planning my next stop,”

Magnus swallowed hard then, a bitter twist to his mouth suggesting the taste of something unpleasant, and Alec fought against prompting him for more words, when he seemed to be struggling so hard to get them out.

“As we drove away, we passed a scene of… pure chaos,” Magnus said then, closing his eyes, appearing pained by his memories, “and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. There were all the signs of a warlock’s work—a warlock out of control, and I… I had to look for myself. I had to know what had happened, even if I was too late by then to do anything about it,”

Alec waited, bracing for whatever he was going to hear, and watched helplessly as Magnus raised his hands up to his eyes and squeezed there, appearing to need to steady himself before speaking.

“After a little discreet questioning—and the safe stowing of my luggage of course; I had after all made several rather indulgent purchases—”

Alec took in the look of revulsion on Magnus’ face, and wanted to fold him up in his arms to rid him of what he presumed was self-loathing.

“—I learned that a young warlock, not so much younger than myself when I… when I had first lost everything, had been… abandoned in the city by her parents, horrified when she had revealed her warlock mark. She was just a child,” Magnus added, tears beginning to pool in his eyes, “just a child. But in her anger, in her… distress at losing all that she had ever known, she lashed out. Much as I did, I suppose, but worse—so much worse,”

“Magnus—”

“Twenty-three Mundanes in total she killed,” he continued, swallowing hard again, “and the aftermath—the _witch-hunt…_ her manner of death, it was… it was awful,”

Forcing breath into his lungs, Alec reached out for Magnus, wrapping his hand around his forearm and squeezing, half-relieved when Magnus shifted enough to slot their hands together.

“I think if… if I had not been so selfish, so… concerned with my own entertainment—my own peace, that I… perhaps I could have saved some of those Mundanes. Perhaps I could have saved her,”  

“You can’t blame yourself—”

“But I do,” Magnus replied, sending another bitter smile in his direction, “I do; I always have done. It is my responsibility—my duty, to help in these situations,”

“You weren’t always a High Warlock,” Alec pointed out in an attempt to help; the way Magnus’ eyes dropped closed in pain suggested he hadn’t done so at all.

“No,” Magnus agreed, “but I have always been a warlock. I have always had… powers, that I… that I can use, to help. And I chose not to. I let… I let innocent people die, and a young, frightened warlock wreak havoc and then die herself at frightened, revenge-seeking hands… all because I refused to listen, refused to help,”

“Magnus,” Alec said, a little softer as he shuffled closer, “you can’t be responsible for everything,”

“But you understand why I had to go. When I thought there was a situation I could help with,” Magnus prompted, and Alec realized their change of subject was no real change at all.

“I do,” Alec agreed, “Magnus, of course I do. You always reach out to help when you can. I—”

“I can’t ever bring them back,” Magnus bit out, brimming with frustration, “but I… I can do all I can, to make sure nothing like that ever happens again,”

“Magnus—”

“There have been other occasions when I haven’t been quick enough, not done enough; I have to—”

“Magnus,” Alec said, dropping his hand and cupping his face, forcing the eye contact, “you are not responsible for everything that goes wrong in this world,”

“No,” Magnus agreed, “but if I can help—”

“You do help,” Alec insisted, “you did—”

“How?” Magnus cried, tears budding and beginning to slide down his cheeks. “Because I didn’t take the time to think, I walked into a trap, and now… now I am of no use to anyone. I cannot help anyone. I—”

“Magnus—”

But Magnus was sliding from his grip and standing, pacing away from him as Alec had seen him do countless times since they’d got back. He jumped to follow, only for the bedroom door to be closed softly in his face, to hear Magnus slump against it on the other side, and his heart to feel like it was breaking all over again.

“ _Please_ ,” Alec heard then, cracked and broken with tears, calling his own to start falling, inviting his forehead to drop in probable mirror to Magnus’ on the other side of the door, and a cruel whisper to remind him that there was nothing he could do.

* * *

_“We saw you coming,”_

_Alec’s skin crawled the moment the pixie stepped from the mist clearing, along with a dozen sets of eyes observing from a short distance away, as though prepared to strike if he did anything out of turn._

_“How?” he asked, shifting in discomfort, noting Anderson lingered several feet behind him in a blatant show of not being involved himself._

_“We have our ways,” the pixie replied, his eyes lingering over Alec as though to make sure of something, before coming to rest on his face. Those large, unblinking spring green eyes staring back at him pinned Alec in place, allowing his own to dart only far enough to catch the violent tremor of triumph in wings of the same color._

_“Do you have Magnus Bane?” Alec demanded, fighting to keep his voice steady, apparently failing entirely for the amused look on the pixie’s face._

_“He is proving a most useful guest,” the pixie replied, his voice as childlike as Anderson had suggested it would be, though with an undertone of threat that had Alec’s stomach drop._

_“If he’s a guest, then he’s free to leave,” Alec pointed out, wincing at the doubt in his own voice._

_“But he hasn’t asked to,” the pixie told him in what sounded like genuine surprise; Alec had dealt with enough Seelie to know the precise use of their words._

_“Is he free to ask?”_

_“We have not denied him his voice,”_  

_“Then have you listened to him?” Alec asked, wishing Izzy was by his side, since she was so much better, and more patient with twisted Seelie reasonings than he was himself._

_“Why, of course,” the pixie replied with a smile, “that is how we knew to look for you coming,”_

_“Tell me where he is,” Alec demanded, his hands balling into tight fists that he bounced repeatedly down by his thighs._

_“Between this world and the next,”_

_Alec felt sick, imagining all kinds of things happening to Magnus and wanting to scream with the frustration he felt at not being able to help. “What does that mean?”_

_“That he is not awake, yet not sleeping,” the pixie replied, as though his answer was obvious._

_“Enough with the riddles—”_

_“That he will be returned to you,” the pixie amended with a wing shimmer of impatience, “when we are done,”_

* * *

At the peal of laughter blasting its way through from the balcony, Alec paused from where he’d been putting away the groceries he’d just bought, and turned his head in the direction of the noise. He’d come back to the soft murmurings of Magnus and Izzy out there, and had resisted the urge to eavesdrop; that Izzy had convinced Magnus to at least get some fresh air was bordering on miraculous, and that she was making him laugh as well left Alec both loving his sister more than ever, and loathing himself for not being able to do the same.

“My dear Isabelle; you spin quite the tale,” Alec heard then without even straining to, and the affection in Magnus’ voice Alec ached to hear directed at himself, then chided himself for being selfish. So long as someone was making him happy even if he could not, Alec decided, slotting away packets and boxes into cupboards in preparation for trying to cook yet another meal that had once been one of Magnus’ favorites, then that was all he could ask. He could paste on a smile and join them, he added to himself; just as soon as the sick feeling in his gut loosened its grip on him enough.

“You should ask Alec, I’m sure he could tell it better than I could,” Izzy replied then, her voice full of warmth and comfort, leaving Alec curious about the story she’d told, but a little fearful to ask.

“I think I have given Alec quite enough to be concerned with, without demanding that he provides such… entertainment, as well,” Magnus answered, and Alec’s stomach dropped a little harder; didn’t Magnus realize he’d do anything and everything he wanted of him, if he’d just let him in—if he’d only want him to?

“You know Alec would do anything for you,” Izzy told Magnus, stealing Alec’s own thoughts as though she was plucking them directly from his mind.

“I do,” Magnus answered, after a pause that went on too long for Alec’s nerve to handle without his knees feeling like they might give out on him, “I think perhaps he needs to… that he needs to take a step back—”

“Magnus. If you think for a second, that Alec isn’t going to prioritize you over everything—”

“That’s my point; Alec is the Head of the Institute. He has bigger things to be concerned about than a warlock who is unable to… do his job,”

“This isn’t about any warlock, Magnus,” Izzy retorted, and perhaps only evident to Alec’s ear, her frustration beginning to build, “and it isn’t about any _job_ ; it’s about—”

“I suppose that’s true enough,” Magnus said then, and Alec was sure he could hear him shuffling around, perhaps to avoid the glare Izzy was no doubt turning on him, “I’m sure a replacement for my services has already been drafted in,”

“They haven’t,” Izzy bit back, “we haven’t needed any warlock magic, because everything you have already installed for us is perfect. And besides, we’d prefer to wait for the best to come back to us when he’s ready,”

“I can recommend a few candidates to you, if you are looking for the _best_ ,”  

“I meant you, Magnus,” Izzy retorted, and Alec could practically hear the eyebrow raise she was giving him, even from where he was standing, “I meant—”

“My dear, whilst I am flattered, it is unnecessary—dangerous, perhaps, to be waiting for my magic to return. We have to accept that it may not ever—”

“We won’t accept it until we know that that’s the case. And even without it—”

“I am of no use to you, Isabelle. No use to anyone,” Magnus replied then, soft, and broken, and pulling at Alec’s heart.

“But you are,” Izzy insisted, “to all of us. Especially to Alec. He—”

“He deserves better than someone who cannot return his affection. Who cannot give him what he wants,”

“I’m fairly certain all he wants is you,” Isabelle retorted, softly, and Alec had to close his eyes at the truth of it. 

“For now. Whilst he can still remember what it was like to have me whole. But when he grows tired of waiting—”

“He won’t—”

“—then no one—least of all me, will blame him from walking away,” Magnus finished, seeming determined to get out what he wanted to say.  

“Alec—”

“Will no doubt be returning any moment now, and does not need to hear this conversation,” Magnus told her, sighing and apparently dismissing anything she was trying to add. Alec couldn’t take it, couldn’t handle just how easily Magnus thought he could give up on him. As silently as he could, he walked across the apartment, managing to lock the bathroom door behind him just seconds before his tears began to fall.

* * *

_“The warlock will be returned to you intact; you have nothing to concern yourself about that,”_

_Alec stared back at the pixie stood before him and fought every instinct in him not to charge him down._

_“Return him. Now,” he demanded again anyway, the fury he felt spiking for the indulgent, amused smile he received in return._

_“Oh, but that is impossible,” the pixie replied, his fingers raising to press against his lips as though in thought, as those spring green wings continued fluttering and shimmering behind him, constantly drawing his attention. Alec wondered if that was intentional, to put his thoughts elsewhere, and became even more mistrustful._  

_“Why?”_

_“Because,” the pixie replied, turning wide, surprised eyes on him, “interrupting the ritual would be dangerous for him. And you wouldn’t want that, would you? In your selfish haste to have him back?”_

_“Ritual?” Alec repeated, feeling sick. “What ritual?”_

_“We are not fond of putting our guests in danger,” the pixie continued, as though chastising him for the suggestion, as though Alec hadn’t even asked a question._

_“Then why’d you take him in the first place, huh?” Alec countered, growing increasingly furious. “Why’d you force him to take part in any ritual if—”_

_“He was not forced,” the pixie denied, his wings shimmering a little more violently, in what Alec thought might be indignation._

_“He wouldn’t just agree to—”_

_“Yet he did not object,”_

_“...is he free to object?” Alec asked then, imagining all kinds of ways Magnus would be prevented from saying anything._

_“We are all free to object,” the pixie replied serenely with a beatific smile._

_“What ritual anyway?” Alec demanded again, his mind racing through all sorts of horrific possibilities, each one leaving him increasingly more panicked._

_“The ritual to drain him of his magic, of course,”_  

_“But—”_

_“More his essence, really,” the pixie amended, flaring his wings a touch, “that which makes him a warlock; your lover is most powerful,”_

_“I—”_

_“He calls for you,” the pixie said then, his eyes lingering over him as though studying Alec to find a reason for that, “repeatedly. More when he is in pain—”_

_“What are you doing to him?” Alec yelled, desperate to rush forward, though feeling as though he was being pressed in place._

_“Oh, don’t worry,” the pixie replied, with a dismissive wave of his fingers, “it is not real pain. At least, it is not lasting, or anything more than he can handle. Little more than a headache I suppose; every time we siphon some magic off—because we do it in stages, of course, for his protection—it stretches him a little, is all. More… discomfort than anything else. Tiredness, perhaps,”_

_“Magnus…” Alec whispered, tears thickening his voice, feeling more helpless than he thought he’d ever felt._

_“He is quite safe,” the pixie assured him with a simpering smile, though it morphed into one of warning. “If he is left undisturbed,”_

_“I need to see,” Alec pleaded, stumbling forward, surprised by the strength of whatever invisible force was holding him back, “I need to see him. Please,”_

_The pixie rolled his eyes, but after a moment relented, a cracking noise filling the air as he slammed then pulled his palms apart, revealing an image in between. A cry choked its way out of Alec’s mouth for seeing Magnus unconscious and suspended mid air, as a rope-like light spiraling its way out of him, coiling up into darkness._

_“I—”_

_“You may return at dawn,” the pixie continued, waving the image away and turning in dismissal, calling over his shoulder, “do not attempt to find him before then; any attempts to find him, and you will get lost. Indefinitely. I guarantee it,”_

_Alec looked beyond the pixie to the forest behind him, seeing nothing but a mass of trees indistinguishable from each other in the dark. And when he lowered his eyes again, the pixie had disappeared, leaving Alec cursing to himself._

* * *

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Is there something wrong?”

Alec made a cautious approach to stand beside Magnus, where he’d been staring into the mirror for what had to be a good ten minutes, and swallowed back the nerves he felt anticipating his response.

“This,” Magnus replied, waving a hand at his reflection, his face pinching in disgust, “everything. Everything is wrong,”

“Not to me it isn’t,” Alec denied, a little softer, flinching half way through his words for the huff and eyeroll Magnus sent his way.

“That’s because you’re not looking,”

“But I am looking, Magnus,” Alec told him, hesitating before reaching out to gently grip around his arm, “I _am_ looking. I’m looking at you all the time,” and it was true; in what was now two months since so much of Magnus had been stolen from him, Alec hadn’t done anything _but_ look at him. Waiting to see if he needed him, watching for the moment his magic returned, and if that wasn’t going to— _it is_ , he insisted to himself, _it is_ —then to look for signs of Magnus beginning to accept that for himself, and whatever the new version of him would become.

“Then I must be such a disappointment,” Magnus bit back at him, his voice breaking, and Alec’s heart thudding for the way his jaw trembled, the utter look of defeat in his eyes.

“Never,” Alec told him, fiercely and full of conviction. Magnus turned only to glare at him for a second, then resumed his vigil of staring at himself in loathing.

“You’ll change your mind about that. The moment when I prove I am no longer necessary—”

“Magnus,” Alec pleaded, gripping a little tighter, only to be forcefully shrugged away, “you’ll always be _necessary_ to me, whatever—”

“You say that now,” Magnus huffed, with Alec’s eyes falling to his Adam’s Apple as it bobbed there in his neck, “but the day you need my help and I cannot give it? I will be—”

“You’ll still be mine,” Alec insisted, reaching for him yet again, only to have Magnus turn his back to him.

“I’m not worthy of being anyone’s,” Magnus retorted, his words coming out thick, and broken. “I never have been—”

“Magnus—”  

But Magnus was already walking away from him, slamming their bedroom door closed in an all too familiar gesture, leaving Alec letting out his own sob of frustration, and pleading to the Angel for guidance.    

* * *

_“Are you just going to stand there and wait for him all night?”_

_Anderson’s words filtered through to Alec, though didn’t make much sense. What else was he supposed to do in however many hours it would be until dawn? He had nowhere to go, and if he couldn’t be with Magnus physically, then he wasn’t about to risk being elsewhere when he was returned. How was he to trust that the pixies wouldn’t just dump him there whenever they were finished with him? And more than that; did they really think he wouldn’t try to follow?_

_“If you’re thinking of going in, you’re a fool,” Anderson told him, his voice little above a taunt, jarring enough to make Alec turn to face him._

_“I can’t just leave him there,”_

_“And if you go in, when you get lost—which you will do; no one returns from there without Pixie help—”_

_“But—”_

_“Are you going to abandon him? To allow him to wander from here, disoriented, with possibly no idea what has happened to him, and no one to turn to?”_

_The very idea left Alec feeling sick, and it was enough to keep him frozen to the spot, neither able to turn away from Anderson, nor able to stop wanting to go crashing through the forest as though going in blind would help him seek Magnus out._

_“You think it wise to allow a warlock, drained of all his powers, to wander aimlessly around a town full of wannabe witches?” Anderson continued. “You don’t think they’ll get one sniff of his… potential, and wonder if they can’t drain him the same way these pixies are currently doing when he recovers?”_

_“I need to do something,” Alec protested, soft and pointless, since he knew Anderson could do nothing about the situation either._

_“Sustenance and sleep is what I would suggest. I imagine he’s going to need all the support you can give him when he comes back; it would do him good for you to keep yourself whole,”_

_Alec took in the look on his face, the calm that was in such contrast to the raging fear storming through him, and knew that the next few hours were going to be some of the longest of his life._  

* * *

“There was this drink—tea I think, that the other Magnus drank, in that dimension we went to,” Clary said, perched on the edge of one of Magnus’ armchairs, turning her eyes between the two of them as she cradled a cup of tea against her lap.

Alec observed the awkward way she sat, the uncertainty on her face, and wondered if the tension between him and Magnus was visible. Then imagined the two of them being discussed back at the Institute, the worried whispers of their friends, and had to shift for the uncomfortable way his stomach dropped.

“Tea?” Alec repeated anyway, looking over at Magnus himself when he mumbled out the tea’s name.

“Yeah. Some kind of… I don’t know,” Clary sighed, flaring her fingers out a little, “it just… he said it was to kick-start his magic. If we can—”

“To have magic kick-started, there has to be enough of it to begin with,” Magnus interrupted, his voice still monotone, but at least back to its usual volume.

“It’s still there,” Alec replied, quiet and private to him as he leaned into Magnus’ side, “your eyes—”

“There are flares of it,” Magnus agreed, though turning his gaze away, “but barely anything. Nothing that is sustainable, or—”

“But it could be worth a try, right?” Clary insisted, another hopeful look dancing between the two of them, the determination there on her face something Alec had grown to quietly respect. Even if it wouldn’t do much good currently.

“Biscuit,” Magnus sighed, turning a sad, reluctant smile in her direction, “every warlock I know— and some that I don’t—has called on me these past months and attempted various things to assist me with restoring my magic. Do not think that I am not grateful, but this potion—this tea you mentioned—it will not work. There is so little residual magic in me, and it is not replenishing itself quick enough to… to provide a potion anything to work with,”

“But—”

“There is no other option, Clary,” Magnus said then, standing as abruptly as his own words, his face pinching up into a look of self-loathing when he had to take Alec’s proffered hand to steady himself. “If my magic is to return, then it will be in its own time. I can only wait,”

Before Clary could say another word, or Alec could attempt anything that might be placating, Magnus was padding across the room, leaving Alec and Clary staring after him, then at one another once the bedroom door clicked closed.

“I’m sorry,” Clary said, her face the picture of contrition, “it just came to me this morning, and I thought—”

“Thank you,” Alec replied, cutting her off with a small smile, “really,”

Clary looked down at the cup in her hands in discomfort, looking so forlorn, that Alec found himself struggling to force out more words.

“It’s just… he won’t show it, but he kept getting his hopes up,” Alec admitted then, surprising himself that of all the people he could talk to about this, he’d apparently chosen Clary. “Every time a warlock visited with another idea, a new suggestion, it gave him something to hold on to. And every time they went away again—”

“But there’s got to be something we can do for him,” Clary insisted, her eyes a little wider, and that determination setting her jaw. Alec smiled back, amending his thoughts on realizing that his choice of confidant wasn’t that much of a surprise after all, and trying to take comfort from her support.

“Apparently, waiting is the only thing we can do,” he sighed, flaring his hands in the frustration of not being able to do anything else.

“And the pixies—”

“Uncontactable. Uninterested,” Alec snorted in derision, “and of course the Seelies can’t offer anything that we can trust. We just have to wait this out, see what happens, and… deal with whatever comes if nothing changes,”

“We’ll be here,” Clary insisted, leaving Alec’s throat tightening a little for the sincerity of her words, and trusting himself only to give a sharp nod. “You, uh… you need anything?”

“I’m good,” Alec said, shaking his head, then tilting his chin to a stack of papers on the table between them, “if you can take these back to the Institute when you go though—”

“You want me to go now?”

“I didn’t say that,” Alec denied, smiling a little, though he couldn’t really imagine what she’d want to stay and talk about if it was just them. Their relationship had softened into an awkward kind of friendship over time, but it was rare for them to have any time together without the buffer of other people. Maybe he should do something about that, Alec amended to himself, and offered up another ghost of a smile.

“How are you doing with all this?” Clary asked then, her eyes seeming to linger on the bags Alec knew were sitting heavy beneath his eyes.  

“It’s not me going through it,” Alec denied, reaching out for his own cup for something to distract himself with.

“Sure it is,” Clary countered, “you’re going through this with him. You’re taking care of him—as much as he’ll let you, anyway—and you’re still running the Institute practically single-handed. You can’t pretend this isn’t getting to you as well,”

Alec didn’t know how to answer that, and instead made work of draining his cup.

“Alec—”

“Compared to Magnus, I’m doing great,” Alec answered with a small smile, sensing she wouldn’t let up if he didn’t at least say something.

“But for yourself…”

Alec closed his eyes to Clary’s prompting, wanting to escape the truth of it but unable to. “It’s… hell,” he admitted with an honest, pained smile that showed just how much it was affecting him. “But I’m dealing with it. _We’re_ dealing with it; so much better than we could be doing, ‘cos you’re all being around like you are. So, thank you for that,”

“Like you’d even need to ask,” Clary retorted with a dismissive shrug. “Magnus is our friend too; you're both important to us. And we’re all gonna be here for him—for both of you, as much as we can. If you’ll let us,” she added, with a small smile that spoke of how much Alec was keeping to himself.

Alec couldn’t help smiling at that, swallowing back the lump in his throat, and hoping she couldn’t see the brightness in his eyes. “Thank you,”

Clary nodded, pushing her cup back onto the table then standing and stretching, bending for the pile of papers and carefully slotting them into her bag. “Is there anything you need? I know Izzy’s coming later; anything you want me to tell her to bring?”

“Just whatever work’s stacking up on my desk,” Alec replied with a soft groan, rising himself and walking her to the door. They spent a couple more minutes speaking about the Institute and a few of the cases they were dealing with, and then Clary was pulling the door open, pivoting in the doorway, and fixing him with that determined look from before.

“If you need anything, Alec,” she said, hesitating before reaching out to grip his arm and squeeze there, “please don’t shut us out,”

“I won’t,” Alec answered, trying to make it sound like a promise, though not sure there was anything anyone could do for him, when all he wanted was for Magnus to be okay—in whatever way that might be.

He watched Clary walk away, then shut the door behind her, leaning back against it for a second before standing again, his eyes lingering on the closed door of the bedroom, and wondering if he’d be welcomed there or not.

* * *

_“I bet you’re cursing me for not doing more to help,”_

_Alec took in the smile in Catarina’s voice, the tiredness on her face, and the general sense of challenge he could feel despite her only appearing in the portal-like screen currently shimmering in front of him, and thought best how to answer back._

_“Not really,”_

_“So a little, at least,” she corrected for him, with both a huff and a smile that seemed pleased, “good; means you’ve got some sense about you. Too bad I’m working doubles right now; I’m about to get an hour’s sleep in, then I’m back on the floor,”_

_“That sounds… tiring,” Alec offered, having only seen the inside of a Mundane hospital a few times, and not enjoying the experience at all; even as just a glamored visitor._

_“It is,” Catarina agreed, “though I suspect you’ll be getting about as much sleep as me. Less, even,”_

_“I don’t wanna sleep. I want Magnus back,” Alec retorted, not missing the way her expression softened, yet not wanting her to comment._

_“He’ll need you,” Catarina agreed with a pinched smile._

_“I’ll be here. I’d be there in that forest looking for him, if I thought it’d do any good,” he added, and Alec could tell she’d understood his question hidden within the statement from her expression softening further still._

_“Alec,” she sighed, “much as I hate leaving Magnus like this, there has never been a case in our history where a pixie has caused a warlock permanent harm. Now, that’s not to say they’ve not drained them to the point of—”_

_Something in his expression must have changed her choice of words, because she cleared her throat for a moment and smiled before speaking again. “Look. Really; I wish we could go powering in there and drag him out, I do. But it’s dangerous to interrupt these spells; a whole lot more dangerous than letting them be carried out in full,”_

_“He looked like he was sleeping,” Alec said softly, the image the pixie had shown him firmly lodged in his mind._

_“Believe me,” Catarina said, her face pinching into something furious, “once this is over—once we know he is safe; all the retribution possible will come down on their heads,”_

_“So why can’t you—we, go in there, and do that now?” Alec pleaded, so anxious to be doing something, that he thought he might begin tearing that forest down with his bare hands._

_“Like I said; Pixie spells, this…. siphoning of his magic they are doing, it is dangerous to interrupt the process. He’s going to come back drained of magic, and we don’t know for how long; but it’s better we get him back like that, than as an empty shell, stranded somewhere between sleeping and awake,”_

_“His magic will come back,” Alec said, staring her down as though that alone could give him the reassurance he needed._

_“It should do,” Catarina said, though there was enough caution in her voice to make Alec’s heart leap in his chest._

_“Should?”_

_“Yes. Magnus is very powerful, strong, and besides all that, stubborn as hell. It is just a question of waiting, and patience, and these are things that I’m afraid to say, Magnus does not have in abundance,”_

_“I know,” Alec agreed, offering a half smile, because he did. He’d experienced Magnus on his stubborn days, and his impatient ones, and loved him through them all, no matter how hard they were to go through with him._

_“He’ll need you,” she said again, her tone a little blunter._

_“He’ll have me,” Alec retorted, fury unfurling in him for the insinuation that he might not._

_“Good,” Catarina said again, looking pleased, “because if it takes a while, he’s going to need the support; no matter how much he tries to say he doesn’t,”_

_“I—”_

_“I’m saying, Alec, don’t let him… don’t let his… frustration at himself, push you away,” Catarina said, narrowing her eyes a touch to wait for his reaction._

_“I won’t,” Alec replied with a huff, “you think I don’t know what Magnus is like when he gets an idea in his head and won’t budge?”_

_“I—”_

_“I love him, Catarina,” Alec said then, his voice tinged with anger that, that, of all things, might be being questioned._

_“I know you do,” she agreed with a soft smile, “I—”_

_“Whatever you may think of me—”_

_“I think that Magnus loves you very much,” she countered, raising an eyebrow. “I think Magnus loves you more than he’s ever loved anyone in his entire life. And to see him when he’s being loved back, it’s… it’s beautiful, Alec,”_

_Alec didn’t know what to do with that, so held perfectly still, waiting for her to continue._

_“It’s also terrifying,” she added, sighing at him, “to think that he’s let himself have this happiness, and that you might walk away from him—”_

_“Catarina,” Alec bit back, glaring at her in fury, “there is no reason at all for me to ever walk away from Magnus. Not one. So I’d appreciate it if—”_

_“You just need to be prepared,” Catarina interrupted, flaring her hands in a gesture of apology. “A magical depletion of this extent is going to be very taxing on him—on you both, in many, many ways. I’ll do all I can to help, of course, but I… I think if he’s going to tolerate anyone looking after him like he’s going to need it, then it’ll be you. But he won’t make it easy for you,”_

_“Whatever he needs,” Alec assured her, imagining all kinds of things Magnus might need once he got him home, and making vague plans for all of them._

_“He’ll probably try and push you away,” she added, fixing him with a look that he knew was a challenge._

_“Yeah, well, he can try,” Alec retorted, “but it’s not gonna work. There are… people, that’d tell you I’m… stubborn too. I’d say it’s more determined, but it doesn’t matter either way. Doesn’t matter what he tries. I’m not going anywhere,”_

_“He’ll need that,” Catarina laughed, smiling again._

_“He’ll have it,”_  

_“Good,”_

_Alec watched Catarina then as she attempted to stifle a yawn, and rolled his eyes. “You were supposed to be sleeping,”_

_“I need it,” she agreed, “it’s been a hell of a day,”_

_“I can’t imagine this would've helped much,”_

_“No,” she agreed, “but it’s not like I wouldn’t drop everything for Magnus if he needed it. You let me know when you need me in the morning, Alec, and I’ll be there, soon as I can. Okay?”_

_“Okay,”_

_“Try and get some sleep yourself, Alec; this is gonna be hard on you as well,”_  

* * *

“I can’t do this anymore!”

The anguished frustration wailing its way out of Magnus punched straight through Alec’s gut, leaving him feeling so thoroughly useless that he couldn’t do anything to help, or even calm him, that he was seconds away from joining Magnus with tears of his own.

“You can, Magnus. You are,” Alec replied, soft as he could make his voice for fear of revealing the sorrow anything louder might give away.

“I can’t,” Magnus argued back, though there was little life to it, and the way his fingers tugged repeatedly at his hair, leaving it on end and in disarray in stark contrast to its usual perfection, as tears leaked down his cheeks without even a hint of the makeup that used to adorn his face, left Alec aching for just how useless he felt.

“You can, Magnus,” Alec repeated, pleading with him, reaching out with gentle fingers to wrap delicately around his wrists, to pull them away from the spoil they were making of his hair and instead cradled them in his hands, “you can. You can do anything, I—”

“I can’t,” Magnus whispered, and then he really broke; huge, fractured sobs erupting from him that Alec had no cure for, other than to gather him in his arms, rocking him there until he cried himself out.

But Magnus didn’t want affection, apparently, for the hard shove he gave against Alec’s chest, tearing himself out of his grip and stamping his way across the room. His fingers flexed in the way Alec had grown used to seeing when he was about to flare his magic to life in anger, but all that happened was a faint wisp of blue light drifting lazily from his fingertips, and the sight of it had Magnus’ eyes wide and horrified, raising them for a second to share that horror with Alec, before stamping away again. And as though he’d decided he needed to do physical damage since he couldn’t do anything magical, Magnus began ripping books from their shelves, sending spell ingredients scattering across the floor in a disjointed clatter, and shards of glass tinkling on every surface they hit.

Alec stood dumbstruck, knowing only that if he tried to stop him, it would be met with further anger, and he didn’t think he had the strength in him to deal with that without breaking down. Instead he waited until Magnus had worn himself out, knowing in his current state it wouldn’t take too long, and when Magnus collapsed into an armchair with his head in his hands, Alec forced himself to count five very long minutes, then approached and knelt in front of him, keeping his hands to himself.

“Magnus—”

“I’m tired,” he announced, turning his face away from Alec’s, refusing to look at him for even a second.

“Of course,” Alec agreed, his fingers twitching with the urge to help him to his feet and take him to bed, “you should—”

“You should leave,” Magnus told him then, turning his watery gaze on him, swallowing hard as he held that eye contact for a moment, then snatched his eyes away again.

“I—”

“I’m going to bed,”

And before Alec could comment, even before he could move back properly to give him adequate room, Magnus was standing, making it as far as one of the loft’s pillars before spinning back and pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Do not clean this up. This is my mess, my problem. I will deal with it when I have regained my strength,”

Alec closed his eyes, waiting to hear the bedroom door slam closed before standing, gathering together the papers he’d been half-attempting to work through, and making his way to the Institute.

* * *

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

_Telling himself that there was only worry for Magnus, not prejudice for Downworlders behind his inability to sleep in a house full of vampires, Alec spent most of the night staring up at the ceiling from Anderson’s uncomfortable couch, not liking to think about where Magnus might be, and what might be happening to him—though unable to stop. Though he must have dozed off at some point, because he jolted awake and upright with a gasp, feeling disoriented, uncertain if it was a dream that had disturbed him, or finding Anderson standing over him watching him sleep._

_“I’d say you’ve about an hour before dawn,” Anderson said, nodding when Alec had wiped a hand over his face and blearily rubbed his eyes enough to focus on him. “Do you remember—”_

_“I know how to get there,” Alec said, immediately cutting him off as he jumped up from the couch, the route firmly ingrained on his mind as though he’d been frightened to forget it._

_“Good,” Anderson agreed, “not like I can send one of my people along to help you find it,”_

_“Listen. Thanks,” Alec said, grateful even if the hospitality shown to him was bordering on grudging, “for letting me stay, for… taking me down there,”_

_“We will not forget,” Anderson replied with a slow bow of his head, and a look that told Alec to expect a favor needing to be returned at a later date. He nodded back, not liking owing anyone anything, but in the circumstances they were in, he knew there were worse things that could happen to them._

_The cold air hit Alec the moment he stepped outside, and for a second he cursed himself for falling asleep in his jacket so he couldn’t even have the illusion of putting on a layer of extra heat. Activating the runes that he hoped would get him through whatever the morning was about to throw at him, Alec squared his shoulders, told his heart to keep steady, and made his way back to the edge of the forest._

_It occurred to him a few minutes into his journey, that if Magnus was injured, or needed help in any way, he’d be effectively useless to do anything about it. All he could do was hope for assistance; Alec squeezed the charm in his hand ready to summon Catarina the moment he had Magnus back, pleading with her already to be quick._

_The forest loomed closer, and for every step he took towards it, Alec’s fears tripled. He had no idea what to expect; would Magnus be wounded? Weak? Remember anything at all? Remember him, even? Would he even be awake when he found him? Would he know where he was? There were too many questions with no answers at all, and Alec could only wrap himself up tighter in his jacket against the onslaught of them, as though that was shield enough against whatever was to come._

_To both his relief and horror, the moment he reached the point where they had met with the pixie the day before, there came a shimmering pool of light, that when Alec adjusted his eyes to it revealed Magnus at the very center, prone and small-looking, appearing as though he might be asleep mid air. Alec reached out as Magnus drifted closer, but before he could even get his fingers on him Magnus was tumbling to the ground; Alec was grateful only that there was less than a foot for him to fall, but the groan he let out on impact had bile fighting its way up his throat._

_“Magnus,” he called out softly, cupping his head and trying to get his attention, smiling and slumping forward in relief when he cracked his eyes open, and finally focused on his own._

_“Alexander. You came for me,” he replied, and the surprise, the wonder in Magnus’ voice as though he’d not thought that might be a possibility pierced straight through Alec’s gut. He gathered him up in his arms, grunting under the weight of him, slipping but determined not to let him out of his grip._

_“Let’s get you home,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead and unable to pull back from it, breathing him in and pretending the scent he associated with Magnus wasn’t tainted by a woody, earthy smell that spoke of his ordeal in the forest behind them._

_“I am sorry, Alexander,” Magnus whispered then, his eyes dropping closed once more, and a long, resigned sigh blasting its way out of his lips._

_“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Alec denied, pressing another kiss to his forehead._

_“I have nothing to offer you anymore. I am nothing,” Magnus murmured, sounding beyond exhausted, leaving Alec sure he hadn’t slept at all since he’d last seen him._

_“You do. Magnus, you—”_

_But Magnus was already fast asleep. Alec fought back the tears already stinging his eyes and hoisted him a little more securely, not really sure where he was heading, but pleading that Catarina would come for them soon._

* * *

Alec curled his hands around the edge of the balcony, and pleaded with himself to calm.

The city swirled beneath him in its usual symphony of chaos, and the lights dotted the sky like jewels, ones he’d often joked matched the twinkle of whatever adorned some of Magnus’ more elaborate jackets. Not that he minded such sparkle, he amended to himself with a tightening of his hands and a clenching of his jaw; everything Magnus wore had his attention in only the best of ways. In fact, it would be good to see him in something other than the lounge pants he seemed to have been wearing for getting on for three months now, and little else—not that he didn’t appreciate that view either, of course, but—

A particularly loud blasting of a taxi horn beneath him cut his thoughts off, and Alec curled himself forward, cursing under his breath for his patience having run out. He’d tried so, so hard those past weeks to keep his tone even, his voice soft, his frustration very firmly to himself so Magnus would never have to hear it, would never bear the brunt of feeling like a burden, because he was anything but.

But Alec, who had little patience for anyone besides Magnus and a select few others, was no saint. Even he had his limits, and though Magnus was not at fault, weeks of trying to work around taking care of Magnus whilst juggling his demanding workload from the Institute, coupled with rarely sleeping much because he spent most of his nights staring at Magnus’ back willing him to turn around, and Alec was ragged.

It was no excuse for lashing out, however, Alec cursed himself again, and slumped forward a little more in disappointment at himself.

It hadn’t really even been an argument. The evening was warm, Magnus was looking stronger than he had in days, and on a whim Alec had suggested they go for a walk, or maybe have dinner on the balcony together, in the hope of getting Magnus to move a little, or at least to eat a full meal. Magnus, though, saw the suggestions as an intrusion, an urge by Alec to hurry his recovery, to get him back to ‘his old self’ when that was something they might not ever get.

Magnus had pushed him away, first physically with a light shove to his chest, and then with his words; cruel, biting ones that, whilst Alec would prefer not to be on the receiving end of, he could understand. He too had done similar on other occasions, so he grit his teeth through every retort, every slight accusation, and every harsh word meant to send him spinning on his heel.

But the retorts had grown more bitter, angry tears pooling in Magnus’ eyes before staining his cheeks, coolly reminding Alec of every single time the Institute had called on Magnus for his help as though he was little more than a performing pet—and how that hadn’t entirely changed since Alec had taken over as Head.

It was an unfair accusation in some ways, because whilst Alec preferred and trusted Magnus’ magic over any other warlock’s, they’d worked together and come to an agreement on what was fair to ask of him, and what was outlandish, what needed further consideration or greater payment, or even outside help altogether.

But the thing that pushed Alec to shouting back, to unleashing his own string of accusations that he was replaying and regretting, was Magnus’ repeated, goading certainty that Alec would soon tire of him, now that he was no longer of use.

Already Alec was rewording his response better, hating the angry tone of his voice and the cutting sting of his words. But replaying and rewording would do little to help; Alec curled his hands in a final, tight grip, and spun on his heel, intent on seeking Magnus out.

Magnus’ eyes were startled as Alec turned around, and his hand, extended looking as though about to grip his shoulder, remained stranded awkwardly mid air.

“Magnus—”

“I thought you’d leave,” Magnus said, soft, though enough to steal the air from Alec’s lungs. No, Alec amended to himself, you thought you’d pushed me into leaving.

“Magnus,” Alec repeated, daring himself to step closer, even allowing his fingers to twitch at Magnus’ sides, ready to grip him in place as he had done a thousand times before, “I told you, and I’ll keep telling you ‘till you listen to me; I’m not going anywhere. Unless you want me to leave, of course,” he added, repeated fear curling in his gut at the thought.

“Never,” Magnus blurted out in a hurry, his eyes flaring a touch wider, and his hand finally making contact with Alec’s forearm, “never. I never want you to leave, but I… I can’t stop myself from… fearing that you’ll want to,”

Steeling himself for Magnus to pull away from him yet again, telling himself he’d hardened his heart to it for all the times Magnus had done that in the past few weeks, Alec allowed his fingers to press into his sides, luxuriating for a second in the solid feel of Magnus there beneath his palms. He held onto the breath of relief threatening to make its way out as a sob when he didn’t pull away.

“Magnus,” he said, giving a painful swallow to clear his throat, “I love you. I don’t know how else to tell you, to make you understand I’m not going anywhere. Not because of this, or for anything, or… I’m just not, okay? You… you don’t get to push me away like that,”

Magnus kept perfectly still, his fingers in a light curl around Alec’s forearm, not responding in any other way to Alec’s grip on him apart from staring back. And that was torture for Alec, pure torture, because all he wanted to do was wrap Magnus up in his arms, keep him close, and warm since he seemed so perpetually cold, and to hold on until he would listen, he would finally hear him out. Until he could make him understand.

There had been so little physical contact between the two of them since they’d first got back to the apartment. A couple of times Magnus had drifted towards him in his sleep, and there had been that one occasion when he’d trailed sleepy kisses over Alec’s chest, but aside from the odd leaning on Alec when he needed to, and a couple of times falling asleep with his head in Alec’s lap, there had been nothing between them all.  

Alec hadn’t known it was possible to miss someone so badly when they were stood right in front of them, but right then the pain of missing Magnus was enough to make Alec feel like sinking to his knees, and he had to fight to keep himself still, not to curl himself forward for the ache in his heart.

So when Magnus stepped forward, his face the picture of terror, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly as though sounding out what he wanted to say, it took all Alec had not to pull him to him. To not wrap him up in a hug like he was so desperate to do, to try anything to take that haunted look from his face.

But then Magnus raised himself up a little and brushed his lips over Alec’s, and Alec was helpless but to let out a whimper, press his fingers into his sides a little tighter still, and plead with himself not to make a wrong move.

“Magnus,” Alec whispered as Magnus kissed him again, a soft, chaste kiss that felt so hesitant, yet tasted of coming home. And Alec wanted more of it; he needed it in fact. He let his eyes fall closed, savoring the repeated press of Magnus’ lips against his own, fearing if he looked that he might have to do more than stand there so passive.

“Alexander,” he heard, for what he thought was the first time since they’d left Stone City, and Alec couldn’t stop the answering sob that erupted from his throat. But then Magnus was stroking placating, apologetic hands over his chest, allowing his lips to linger for longer, and Alec felt as though he had no choice. He snapped his eyes open, raised his hands to cradle Magnus’ face, and kissed him back with all he had.

Their kiss tasted of sorrow, of longing and loss, and such hurting that it should have come as no surprise to feel their tears pooling together on their cheeks, to hear Magnus letting out his own soft cries, and their grip on each other to tighten as though frightened they could never be close enough. And Alec lost all track of time, just continued to pour everything he could into kissing Magnus back, holding him up as he was being held up, and wishing that the moment would never end.

“Magnus…” Alec called again, but already Magnus’ arms were wrapped tight around his waist, and he was all but burying his face in his neck. Alec held on just as tight, dropping his head on to Magnus’ shoulder, and just breathing him in. And for another length of time that went unmarked, that was all they were; holding each other up, holding on, lost in that moment as though they could shield themselves from the world outside, not speaking a single word.

“I’m sorry,” Alec heard a little later, and it had him squeezing his eyes shut, neither wanting to hear it nor thinking it was necessary for Magnus to exert his energy saying things he had no reason to be even thinking.

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for,” Alec told him anyway, kissing it into the side of his head, elated when Magnus immediately turned his head to claim another firm kiss.

“I—”

“I mean it,” Alec said, pressing another kiss to his temple and squeezing him tighter, “you’ve done nothing wrong. I can’t even begin to think how frustrating this must be for you,”

“I imagine it has elements of frustration for you as well,” Magnus replied, and the tone of it had Alec pulling back, gripping him gently at the forearm and staring him down to try and gauge his meaning.

“If you mean—”

“I didn’t mean that, specifically,” Magnus said, though his eyes darting away suggested that was at least part of it, “but I’m… not exactly at my best, most entertaining like this,”

“Are to me,” Alec countered, nuzzling against his temple before dropping another kiss there, and pulling back with a smile, “what’s not entertaining about... not knowing what you’re gonna break next, or… wondering how many times you can slam the door in my face in one day,”

The moment the words left his lips Alec tensed up, cursing under his breath for his teasing being too brutally honest, yet apparently unable to stop the words tumbling out. Magnus stared back at him in silence, and Alec held his breath, waiting for him to pull away from him again; perhaps permanently this time.

“Alexander,” Magnus said then, soft and full of contrition, “can you find it in you to forgive me?”

“Got nothing to forgive,” Alec countered, slumping in relief and gathering him closer still, claiming another kiss, “this has been hell for you,”

“It has,” Magnus agreed, “but you, you have been wonderful throughout all of this. I should have been thanking you, not—not taking out my frustration on you,”

“Magnus, I love you,” Alec told him then, cupping his face to force the eye contact, smiling a relieved smile at the soft curve of Magnus’ lips, “I’m not gonna…. If you think you could do anything—anything at all, to push me away when you need me, then I… I guess we’ve both got some learning still to do,”

“I love you too,” Magnus whispered back at him, arching up to be kissed, and this one tasted not of apology and forgiveness, but of want, and heat, and needing each other again. Magnus’ hands gripped him tighter, roaming their way beneath his shirt, coming to rest on his waist as he lined them up together. Alec had to close his eyes and bury his face in Magnus’ shoulder for the insistent way Magnus rocked up against him, powerless but to echo it back a few times, before pulling away to hold him at arms’ length.

“I think we should… slow things down,” Alec said, though it pained him not to let things progress as he wanted them to.

“Why?”

“Because,” Alec smiled at the surprised crack of his voice, leaning to kiss him on the cheek, “there’s no hurry for that. And besides, like I said before; I’d rather you concentrate on getting well again. At least, getting your strength back. Anything else can wait. I can wait,”

Magnus’ eyes darted away, and his face became clouded with doubt. “After everything I’ve done, do you not… want me like that anymore?”

“What?” Alec said, incredulous and bewildered that that, of all things, would be something that Magnus would be worrying about. “How could you even think—”

“You haven’t… even attempted to do anything with me,” Magnus said then, his eyes raising only for a second before dropping in embarrassment, and Alec was unable to hold back a snort of disbelieving laughter, cupping his chin so he would be forced to look at him.

“Magnus—”

“I would understand,” Magnus said, still trying to look away from him with a hard swallow, “if you would not want me… in any way, anymore,”

The way Magnus held himself then told Alec he was bracing for rejection, and Alec didn’t like to imagine all the times when people had pushed Magnus away, for not being able to appreciate him for all that he was.

“Magnus,” he whispered, with a soft kiss to his cheek, “that’s been the last thing on my mind lately. Not ‘cos I don’t want it—‘cos I don’t want you, ‘cos I do. All the time,” and to back that up Alec kissed him hard and thorough, pressing himself tightly against him, and slipping his hands around to hold Magnus just where he wanted him.

“I—”

“The most important thing in all of this,” he continued, with soft kisses dropped repeatedly over his face, “is that you don’t push me away. That you get better. That you let me help you get better, in whatever way that might be,”

“But what if—”

“Magnus,” he pleaded, whispering again, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not. If we get your magic back, if we don’t, if we get something somewhere in between; I’m not leaving you. I’m not going anywhere. Please will you hear me on that, if you can’t yet on anything else,”

Magnus’ look for him then was broken, so clearly on the verge of tears again, but trying to smile through it, and Alec couldn’t take it, had to kiss him all over again, vowing to continue to kiss him, to do whatever it would take to make Magnus realize he had no reason to fear him going. He felt Magnus’ tears hit his cheeks once again, wrapped his arms a little tighter, sinking against him, savoring their closeness and the thought of having him back.

* * *

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

“This was a good idea,”

Alec wrapped his arm around Magnus a little tighter and pressed a kiss to his temple, smiling as Magnus raised his hand to let the foam from their bubble bath drip from his fingers, then nuzzled into his cheek.

A week after their conversation on the balcony, and things had grown a lot easier between them. Magnus had led them to bed not long after that talk, having exhausted himself with all that yelling and crying he’d done, but to Alec’s surprise, instead of being presented with a view of Magnus’ back as he’d become reluctantly used to, Magnus had curled up in his side, stroking repeatedly over his chest as though to reassure himself Alec was there, and leaning up for constant kisses until he was too tired to do anything but fall asleep on his shoulder.  

They’d been gentle with each other ever since, and even though it had taken Alec a couple of days to stop holding his breath and bracing for a reversal of Magnus’ affections, nothing as drastic as that had happened at all. That he could reach for Magnus and be pulled in rather than pushed away, was the thing that Alec had missed the most about them being together; perhaps he reached out even more than he usually would to take advantage of it being on offer, making up for lost time.

“Thought it might help you relax,” Alec told him, closing his eyes as Magnus’ lips found his neck. Magnus had woken pale and gaunt-looking that morning after a night full of nightmares, and the tension on his face Alec would have done anything to take away; knowing Magnus’ idea that a hot bath could cure just about anything, taking one together had been the first suggestion that had come to mind. That Magnus’ face had lit up at the idea instead of viewing him with caution had made Alec’s heart soar.

“It has,” Magnus assured him, pressing a longer kiss just beneath his ear, then rolling back a touch to lean his head on his shoulder, and sighing in a contentment Alec hadn’t heard from him in a while.

“Wanna tell me what the nightmares were about?” Alec asked, bracing for Magnus to tense up again. But Magnus just slumped against him a little more, sighing sorrowfully to himself and slotting his fingers through Alec’s against his chest, swirling an absent pattern there with his thumb.

“I’m sure it isn’t that hard to imagine,” Magnus replied after a short pause, and Alec agreed to himself that it wasn’t, to a point; Alec might not have ever experienced having magic himself, but to Magnus it had to have been a limb, a part of him that was missing. That it was both his essence and his livelihood, the very thing that made Magnus _him_ , and to not be able to access that part of himself, Alec imagined had to be all kinds of terrifying. “What if I am just _this_?”

“This,” Alec replied, turning and shifting so he could wrap both his arms around him better, “is an incredible, intelligent, kind man, who has a lot—so much to offer, magic or not,”

“You say that—”

“I do say that,” Alec agreed, kissing it into his hairline, “‘cos it’s true. Don’t think you’re any less interesting, or important—or influential, just because your magic’s gone—temporarily,” he tacked on to the end, thinking Magnus needed to hear it.

“Patience is not… it’s not something I excel at,” Magnus sighed, burrowing closer to him and pressing an absent kiss into his cheek.

“You were patient with me in the beginning,” Alec pointed out, earning himself a smile against his shoulder, and Magnus surprised him further still by raising himself up to straddle his lap, trailing his hands down his sides.

“That was entirely different,” Magnus denied, though whilst bending over to kiss him, humming his way into his mouth, with his lips repeatedly curling up into a smile.

“How?”

“Because,” Magnus smiled, pressing another kiss to his cheek, “I knew you were worth waiting for. And it is infinitely easier to be patient with someone that isn’t yourself,”

Alec slid his hands around Magnus’ hips, luxuriating in being able to do so, and angled his face up to be kissed again, losing himself entirely in Magnus’ attention for him.

“What will I do if I don’t get it back?” Magnus asked eventually when he pulled away, voicing the question that Alec knew had been haunting him ever since his return.

“We’ll deal with it,” Alec insisted, emphasizing the _we_ , because there wasn’t a second of this he intended Magnus to go through alone. “We’ll do whatever it takes, we’ll do… whatever you want. Whatever we need to. And I’m gonna tell you this till you really hear it; you have to know that magic or no magic, I’m not going anywhere. Right?”

Magnus sat back a little, the distance between them seeming much wider than it really was, though there was a touch of hope lingering around his eyes. “Alexander, I… would not presume like that. It would be wrong of—”  

“Presume,” Alec told him, leaning up to kiss him again, his heart thudding at the lack of response. Though things were so much better between them, every now and then that doubt surfaced in Magnus again, and Alec was learning an exercise in patience himself, by figuring out the best ways to ride that out.

“Alec—”

“Presume,” Alec repeated, “‘cos like I said. Like I keep saying; whatever happens, I’m staying. If you think I’d give you up for this—or for anything, then I guess I’ve got some work to do here to prove you wrong,”

“Alec—”

“I’m not here conditionally,” Alec told him then, gripping him a little tighter and staring back as though Magnus might dare to look away. He didn’t, but the look he returned was still tinged with caution; not for the first time, Alec had an idle wish that he could go back into Magnus’ past, and wound every single person who had ever made Magnus doubt himself.

“I know you aren’t—”

“Do you?” Alec asked, reaching up to drag him down for another kiss. “Because I’m not sure you’ve been hearing me when I’ve—”

“Alexander,” Magnus said then, sweet and loving, and easing the ache in his heart with his gentleness, “I do hear you. I am listening. I am merely… it is difficult to know what I have to offer you now—if, my magic is gone,”

“You,” Alec replied, cupping his face and stroking a thumb over his cheek, “just you. That’s all you need to offer me; that’s all I want. I don’t… I can’t pretend I know what the answer is here, or that… that I know what’ll—what you’ll do if your magic stays away for a while, but… I’m gonna be right here all through it, okay? Whatever happens. I need you to—I need you to hear that, if nothing else,”

“There’ll only be so long before people start insisting that the High Warlock of Brooklyn needs to be someone who can actually perform magic,” Magnus said then, sighing to himself. “It is a reasonable thing to expect,” and Magnus sounded so unsure of himself again, that Alec had to wrap him up in his arms, closing his eyes in relief when Magnus willingly molded against him.

“But that time isn’t right now,” Alec countered, “you’ve got too many allies, too many people who respect you, who listen to your counsel and advice, whether you do magic or not. You’re important, Magnus; I need you to… I hope you realize just how much,”

Magnus’ look for him then was bittersweet, and Alec knew he wasn’t allowing himself to believe his words. He fought back a retort of frustration, instead focusing on stroking a wide hand down his back and pulling him closer still, dropping another kiss onto the crown of his head where he’d slipped his way down to be held.

“Magnus,” he whispered, “we’ll figure this out. We will,”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Alexander,” Magnus said then, mumbling it into his skin with a tone of awe that Alec didn’t think he deserved to be on the receiving end of. He had no answer that would be good enough, so he pulled Magnus up to kiss him again, whispering repeated _I love yous_ until tears of acceptance pricked the corners of his eyes.

* * *

“I have an idea,”

Magnus smiled at Alec curiously as he rushed his way into the loft, unable to hide his excitement as he bent to kiss Magnus where he was laid out on the couch. Magnus reached out to snag his fingers into the top of his shirt to keep him in place for another kiss, and Alec hummed his way into it, tucking his fingers into the back of Magnus’ neck, and smiling against his mouth.

“You seem… excited,” Magnus observed when Alec pulled back, and Alec sat down on the very edge of the couch, perching there by folding himself over Magnus, then kicking off his shoes and shifting again at the invitation to lay between his legs.

“This is a good idea too,” Alec replied, kissing his way up Magnus’ neck and letting out a quiet hum at the feel of Magnus sliding his hands up under his shirt.

“Still,” Magnus smiled, with a kiss to his temple, “I want to hear what’s got you practically giddy,”

“How would you feel,” Alec began, mouthing into his neck and smiling as Magnus shifted a little beneath him, turning his head enough to give him better access and encouraging him with a soft roll of his hips, “about a vacation. A… Mundane vacation. Where we go somewhere, just the two of us, take a break from all of this and just… be us?”

“Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice full of affection that Alec fought not to close his eyes at just how much he’d missed receiving of late, “I have already taken you from your work far too much,”

“You haven’t,” Alec denied, “I’ve kept up. I’m up to date. And besides, it’s not like I can’t delegate stuff out. Even Heads of Institutes get some vacation time,”

“And here was me thinking I would have to literally drag you away from your desk if I wanted your attention for more than an evening,” Magnus teased, but there was a hint of truth to it; on multiple occasions Magnus had fought hard for Alec to take time away from work when it was for anything more than a few hours. Alec felt a fresh wave of guilt sweep through him for that, and determined to do better.

“Well, here’s where that changes,” Alec replied, trying to inject as much promise into his words as he could, “here’s what I’m thinking. We go somewhere—wherever you want; I don’t care if you want to spend a week lazing on a beach somewhere, or… or we go to LA and you try and teach me all those games you tried to tell me about—”

“I think I specifically mentioned strip poker—”

“Exactly,” Alec enthused, sure that Magnus was holding back on laughing, “anything you want. Anywhere you want. I wanna do this, Magnus; I think it’s… I think it’d be good for you. For us. Just to… to not care about any of this stuff for a while,”

“Like the fact that I may not be able to ever be able to perform magic again?” Magnus suggested, with a tinge of sadness to his voice. Alec held his breath and nodded, forcing himself to keep eye contact. “Alex—”

“I know it won’t solve anything,” Alec said in a hurry, bending for a quick kiss to placate him before Magnus could deny him entirely, “but I just think… we’ve been so caught up in this, and I… I don’t know about you, but I’m… I’m tired, Magnus. You’re the one always telling me we need to make time for the stuff that’s important to us. Well, this is it; you’re important. _We’re_ important. I wanna make time for that,”

Magnus smiled up at him then, a soft, bordering-on-bittersweet thing that had Alec’s stomach clench for fear he was about to hear a resounding _no_.  

“We could do that,” Magnus agreed after a long pause that Alec held his breath for, leaning up to kiss him and nuzzling against his cheek. Alec had a second of thinking he’d misheard him, but when he realized it was an agreement, his heart gave a hard thud of excitement.

“Yeah?”

“Yes,” Magnus agreed, “only, nothing too far; it’s been a while since I had to use Mundane transport, and I don’t like to think what any great distance by airplane would currently do to my stomach,”

“We can go anywhere, Magnus,” Alec smiled, dropping kisses over his face until he laughed, “anywhere you want. I don’t care if we take one of those bus things—”

“We are not getting on a Mundane bus,” Magnus interrupted, looking horrified by the idea.

“Okay,” Alec agreed with a soft laugh, “but whatever you want. Get thinking about it; I need a couple of days to arrange things at the Institute, and then I’m all yours,”

“Really,” Magnus smiled, sliding his hands into the back pockets of Alec’s jeans and pressing up against him, “I was under the impression, that you were mine all the time,”

“You know what I mean,”  

“I do,” Magnus agreed, peppering kisses along his jaw and cheek, “I just like to see you… flustered,”

“Magnus,” Alec replied, not really sure what he intended saying, but so happy to have Magnus feel strong enough to be teasing him once again, that he didn’t care about anything else.

* * *

“This is your idea of a vacation?”

Alec took a sweeping glance around their hotel room, that had to be twice the size of Magnus’ loft, walked over to the doors to the balcony, where already he could tell the views would be incredible, and turned on his heel to find Magnus watching him with a smile.

“Is it not yours?” Magnus asked, and Alec couldn’t tell if he thought he was disappointed. He walked back across the room in long strides to crowd up against him, and kissed the look off his face anyway, just in case.

“Magnus,” he said, dropping kisses down the length of his neck and wrapping him up in a tight hug, “I’ve never had a vacation. I’ve never _had_ an idea of a vacation; my only idea for this was that we’d be somewhere different, and on our own. That’s vacation enough,”

Magnus’ hum told him he approved of his answer, backing it up further as he swept wide hands up the length of his back, and held him just as tight.

“I thought something simple,” he explained, stepping back and curling their fingers together for a second before he turned to pick up the bags they’d brought and began unpacking them into the, to Alec’s mind, ridiculously-sized closet. “We have this room, which I think you’ll agree is… impressive,”

“I’d… say I’ve got a good view,” Alec replied, letting his eyes linger down Magnus’ back for a second as he worked, then stepping behind and wrapping his arms around his waist, nuzzling into his neck.

“Alexander,” Magnus replied, pleased, covering his hand for a second then turning his head at an awkward angle to be kissed.

“You were saying?” Alec prompted, but Magnus turned in his arms, cradling his head so that he could kiss him properly, then leaning up against him with a smug smile on his face.

“You are distracting,” he accused, to which Alec could only respond with another kiss.

“What else?” he asked when he pulled away, earning himself a pat on the cheek as Magnus turned back to the closet.

“We have a hot tub that looked to be the size of a swimming pool on the website,”

“I’ve… never been in a hot tub,” Alec confessed, draining the last of the water bottle they’d brought with them and tossing it into the small trash can beside the desk.

“I know,” Magnus agreed, smiling at him with a glint in his eye that left Alec swallowing hard, already imagining all kinds of things Magnus could be planning.

“Anything… anything else?” he asked, having to clear his throat a couple of times for the way it stuck. Magnus grinned at the gesture, turning back for another kiss.

“The restaurant here has reviews so good, that I think I want to try everything on the menu,”

“Seriously?” Alec asked, surprised, knowing just how exquisite Magnus’ taste could sometimes be. And that until only a few days ago, Magnus had barely any appetite at all.

“Yes,” he agreed. “There is also an outdoor swimming pool, a heated indoor swimming pool, an impressive-sounding spa—”

“Spa?”  

“Yes,” Magnus repeated, flicking out a jacket on its hanger so it would sit right, as Alec picked up their toiletries bags to take to the bathroom, giving a low whistle under his breath for the impressive view in there as well. “We can have massages, facials, aromatherapy; whatever you want,”

“I’ve… never had any of those either,” Alec admitted, and saw that same look of doubt appear on Magnus’ face again. He rolled his eyes, crossing the room again to kiss it off him, stepping back to catch another smug smile that suggested that was exactly what Magnus had planned. Magnus leaned into him for a longer kiss, then spun away to close the closet door with a flourish that was almost an echo of his former self, before turning back to him.

“We don’t have to—”

“Hey,” Alec said, pulling him closer, “just ‘cos I haven’t done any of ‘em before, don’t mean I won’t try. You just gotta… gotta show me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Magnus agreed, wrapping his arms tight around his waist and tucking himself into Alec’s neck. There was a long pause before he cleared his throat and added a curious, “...anything?”

“I… I guess?” Alec replied, earning himself a snort of amusement into his neck that was followed up with another kiss.

“I was thinking. If you feel like it, and I feel… well; up to it. There is also, apparently, a very good nightclub, just minutes from here; in walking distance in fact,”

“Oh really,” Alec smiled, remembering an evening in a club where they’d danced until the sun came up, with Magnus repeatedly telling him how surprised he was that he’d found time to learn to dance.  

“We don’t have to—”

“Could be fun,” Alec agreed, “but only if you’re okay. I don’t want you wearing yourself out,”

“Oh,” Magnus replied, running his hands down his arms and pressing firmly up against him, “believe me. If I am going to wear myself out, I have far more pleasant activities I intend to expend my energy on,” which had Alec swallowing with difficulty all over again.

“So, essentially,” Alec said, bending to mouth along his neck, relishing in the return of the affection between them, “we’ve come two hours away on a Mundane train—”

“You liked the train,” Magnus pointed out, “I’ve never seen someone so excited by a buffet car,”

“It was new,” Alec protested, blushing a little, “to me, anyway,”

“I know,” Magnus agreed, beaming back at him, “I like how easy it is to get you excited,”

“Magnus,” Alec said again, feeling his cheeks heat further, and earning himself a low laugh of triumph.

“You were saying?”

“I was saying,” Alec repeated, “we’ve come all this way—”

“Two hours is hardly _all this_ _way_ —”

“To do all the things what we could’ve done back home,” Alec finished, bending to brush his lips against Magnus’ in a tease.

“But here,” Magnus countered, chasing his mouth, “there is only us. There is no Clave, no Downworld, no one demanding of our time. No reminder that I am currently… without magic. No work to do, no… unexpected visitors. Just us,”

“True,”

“And here,” Magnus continued, nuzzling against his cheek, “it is new for both of us. It is… refreshing to experience something different with you for the first time, that is also new to me. Even if it is just a new location with… some of the things we both enjoy,”

“I like the sound of that a lot,” Alec agreed, wrapping him up in his arms all over again.

* * *

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's possible that... Alec isn't so much as being a bit of an overthinking drama queen in this chapter, but more like... he's been bottling things up...

“This is good,”

Magnus turned to Alec with a curious smile for his outburst, squeezing his fingers for an explanation. Alec looked down at their hands with his own smile, then up again to take in the view of the park they were walking through, thinking of the city streets they’d come along to get to the park without a single protest from Magnus, and couldn’t help smile harder still.

“This,” he repeated, gesturing around them, and for a moment he thought Magnus didn’t understand. But then he gave a slow nod, his lips pinching together with a thoughtful hum.

“You mean, us—me, being outside, and doing something?”

“I… might not have put it quite like that,” Alec denied, but Magnus laughed it away.

“Alec, it’s okay. I agree that I had become… preoccupied, with… not leaving home. Amongst other things,”

“You were recovering,” Alec defended, earning himself an affectionate nudge in his side. Though a couple of days into their vacation, and already Magnus was looking better than Alec had seen him in months. Every smile he turned on him, every small thing that made him laugh; it was a joy to see Magnus coming back to him like that. Alec let himself hope harder than ever that his magic would be returned in good time; not because _he_ needed him to have it, but because Magnus needed that part of himself to feel whole.

“I still am,” Magnus pointed out, “though I… I do admit that I feel better for… getting some of that fresh air you kept on talking about,”

“Once in a while I have a good idea,”

Magnus’ answer to that was to crowd Alec to one side of the footpath they were taking, and kiss him until they had to hold each other up to catch their breath.

“Thank you, Alexander,” Magnus said once they’d started walking again. Alec squeezed his hand back, wanting to know what he was meaning. “You have been… infinitely patient with me. And you have given me this,”

“It is kind of for both of us,” Alec pointed out, not wanting to take all the credit when he thought he needed their vacation almost as much as Magnus did.

“True,” Magnus agreed, “I’m still grateful,”

“Besides,” Alec laughed then, remembering glancing at the price on the website when Magnus had been paying for the hotel and feeling his stomach drop, “technically, this is on you,”

“It is my pleasure,” Magnus smiled, “what use is having amassed wealth, if I cannot share it with you?”

“Still grateful,” Alec echoed, earning himself yet another smile, and for a while they walked in silence, pointing things out to each other as they passed, enjoying the warmth of the sun under a near-cloudless sky. Alec let his mind wander only far enough to the swim he'd taken with Magnus in that heated pool the evening before, and the joy on his face as he'd read through the menu in the hotel's restaurant with increasing delight. But other than that all he concentrated on was the feel of Magnus' fingers slotted through his own, and the relief he felt for finally seeing Magnus comfortable in his own skin again. 

“I know we said we’d come here to get away from everything,” Magnus said out of nowhere, and the tone of caution in his voice had Alec’s stomach clench. But he turned a smile on him anyway, and nodded for him to continue. “I think we need to acknowledge— _I_ need to acknowledge, that perhaps I need to put a date to this... incident. For accepting that… that this may really be all that I am now,”

“Magnus,” Alec began to protest with a squeeze of his fingers, “it’s been three months. It’s too soon—”

“Perhaps,” Magnus smiled, squeezing back, “but currently, I feel as though I am living in limbo. It is doing little for my… sense of well-being—sense of myself, I suppose, to be existing like this,”

“You… did say patience isn’t your strongest point,” Alec pointed out, though kept it soft so he’d know there was no accusation behind it.

“I did,” Magnus agreed, “however… do you remember when we were first together, and the question of my immortality—your mortality, kept coming up?”

Alec gave a pinched smile of agreement, his stomach clenching at the reminder, and wanting not to think about it.

“What did we agree?” Magnus prompted gently, taking in the look on his face and giving a reassuring smile.

“That we would… we'd set a date for when we’d talk about it. Decide on… what we’d do about it,” Alec replied, coldness sweeping through him and making his limbs feel heavy, his heart stirring thickly in his chest.

“We did,” Magnus agreed, “we said that we would live in the moment, and then on that date, we would discuss what would be best for us. It made things… more comfortable, did it not?”

“Sure,” Alec lied, that clench of his stomach tightening, and all his fears of losing Magnus in whatever way that might be rearing up at him at once. He fought to keep his expression neutral, easy even. Magnus squeezed his hand once again, and Alec knew he’d seen right through him.

“The thing is,” Magnus said then, soft and placating, conjuring an image in Alec’s mind of him nurturing something, using certain words and phrases to soften the blow of what he was about to say, “that helped a lot—helped us both, I think. I think that if we… if we consider doing the same for… for my current loss of magic, then… then it will make things easier—more bearable. For me, at least,”  

Though he told himself not to, Alec heard goodbye in Magnus’ words, a softness that was supposed to be reassuring, but only left him reliving a constant nightmare he denied even to himself having; that he would wake one day and Magnus would be gone. Without explanation or apology; just a simple disappearance that Alec would have to accept was done to protect him from further hurt. Not that he wanted that, Alec repeated to himself, as though he was pleading that he wasn't conjuring such a thing into existence just by thinking about it; not that he wanted a moment away from Magnus. Magnus might have found comfort in them setting a date for such a conversation, but to Alec it felt nothing less than a death knell.

That brightness of the sun suddenly felt ominous to Alec, as though it was shining on all the things he might not get to keep. He felt sick for it, swallowing back the bile in his throat and trying to put on an easier smile. Magnus’ eyes never left him, and Alec knew he’d have to find an answer, he’d have to find at least something to say to take the concern from his face.

“How about we decide that when we’re back?” he replied, when he could trust his voice to keep steady, though still hearing the crack of it on half the words.

Magnus’ smile was pinched, and a sadness crept in over his face that Alec never wanted to have put there. He leaned in for a kiss, heard Magnus’ hum of agreement to his suggestion, and pleaded with himself not to ruin their time together by thinking too much.  

* * *

_“...Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, Magnus,”_

_The strain of exertion huffed Magnus’ breath out in short blasts, tinged with what had to be pure mortification about needing Alec’s help. His fingers curled in tight to Alec’s sides to help keep him upright, and the tremble of his body against him had Alec’s heart both sinking and leaping in fright._

_“How about I get you something to sit on,” Alec offered, pressing a kiss into his temple and feeling him shake his head in denial._  

_“No. Just… hold me up,” Magnus mumbled, directly into his skin, though not in affection; more because he didn’t have the strength to pull back._

_“Okay,” Alec agreed, slipping an arm around his waist to hold on to him, and then tilting the shower head enough to comfortably wash them both. If he could get rid of that earthy smell that resolutely clung to Magnus’ skin, he might feel a little more like he’d got him back, Alec thought to himself, not caring how stupid his reasoning sounded._

_When he needed to, Alec guided Magnus’ hands to press into his sides to keep him balanced, lathering up shampoo once he had, and then gently working it through Magnus’ hair. Magnus kept his eyes closed, facing him and looking smaller and more forlorn than Alec thought he’d ever seen him. He kissed over his eyes when all the suds had been washed away, and pulled him into a hug._

_With the softest of care, Alec turned Magnus around, pressing his hands against the wall as he soaped up his back with one arm around his waist to keep him up, kissing at the nape of his neck when he was done, then chiding himself for delaying things when Magnus had no strength in him at all. He turned him around again, soaping him up a little quicker, then angled the shower head to rinse him off and pulled him out of the spray not a second later, wrapping him up in a towel, and hating the way his legs quaked beneath it._

_Magnus’ fingers clung in a tight grip around the edge of the towel as Alec lifted another to dry his hair, giving himself a cursory wipe over before concentrating on getting Magnus dry. And then his legs failed him, with Alec catching him just before he crashed to his knees; he cradled Magnus to his chest, blinking away his tears as Magnus’ own fell freely._

_Carrying him through to their bedroom, Alec sat Magnus on the edge of the bed, rummaging through a closet for the softest thing he could find for him to wear, snatching up a pair of Magnus’ favorite lounge pants, thinking, perhaps foolishly, that they might bring him a little comfort. He kneeled in front of him, guiding the pants over Magnus’ ankles, raising up to lift him just enough to guide them up over his hips. And then he urged him over, arranging him on his back and tucking the comforter around him as he grabbed a pair of boxers to throw on himself._

_“Aren’t you coming to bed?” Magnus asked, feebly reaching for him._

_“In a few minutes,” Alec smiled, tangling their fingers together and pressing a kiss to the back of his hand, then reaching and tucking it beneath the comforter, and turning out the light._

_Sure Magnus was asleep before he’d even left the bedroom, Alec closed the door behind him, his hand raising immediately to cover his mouth in an attempt to hide the sob bursting its way out after being held in for so long. To see Magnus so very broken was overwhelming, and he needed a few minutes to himself before he could go back in._

_Taking the time to tidy around him, he picked up their discarded clothes to deposit in the laundry hamper, throwing in their towels on top, and making a mental note to do a load of laundry in the morning. When there was nothing else to tidy away, Alec braced himself to go to bed, sliding in behind Magnus and staring at his turned back as though it was something unreachable. He continued staring, wondering if it would be okay to reach out and touch him, to hold him with all the relief that he was feeling, or if Magnus wouldn’t want that at all._

_Feeling more uncertain with Magnus than he thought he had ever done, Alec fell asleep with a hand pressed to the middle of Magnus’ back, trying not to jostle him, unaware of the tears silently coursing their way down Magnus’ face in the dark..._

* * *

“Alexander. Alec. Alec, please; wake up for me,”

Startling awake at the softness of Magnus rocking him, Alec jolted enough to shake from his grip, immediately turning on his side to chase Magnus as he pulled back from him, then wiping a hand over his own face, and being surprised by the moisture there.

“You were dreaming,” Magnus said, looking so doubtful it was like a kick to Alec’s stomach, “I—”

But Alec cut him off entirely by wrapping him up in a crushing grip, holding him against his chest, trembling so hard, he felt like he might not be able to stop.

“You didn’t want me,” Alec cried, rearranging himself to burrow in as tight to Magnus’ arms as he could, letting out a shaky breath as he felt Magnus adjust his grip on him.

“I always want you,” Magnus countered, sounding thoroughly confused by his outburst, and Alec’s eyes leaked fresh tears against his shoulder at the gentle kiss he received to back of his head.

“But you won’t. And you didn’t; I got you back, and I—”

“Alexander,” Magnus soothed, continually sweeping his hands up over his back in between hugging him close, “I don’t know what you were dreaming—”

“Not dreaming,” Alec denied with a sharp shake of his head, “ _remembering_ —”

“Remembering, then,” Magnus amended, but still so full of confusion.  

“When I… when I first got you back—”

“Alexander," Magnus said, trying to cover him with kisses to calm him, "all I can remember from when you took me home, is a wonderful, kind, beautiful man taking care of me, when I could not do that for myself,”

“But you turned your back on me,” Alec blurted out, though it was broken and cracked, evidence perhaps of just how long he’d been holding on to the thought. He felt so selfish, and so stupid, and wouldn’t blame Magnus at all if he called him out on being both. But now that he’d let the words out, it felt like he couldn’t stop.

“I—”

“You kept pushing me away, Magnus. And I tried; I tried to understand why you did it, I did; because you didn’t do anything wrong at all; I'm not saying that. But I—”

“I would have been lost without you, Alexander,” Magnus replied, gentle with his words and speaking them close to his ear, as though that closeness would give more meaning to them.

“I _have_ been lost without you,” Alec cried, trying to get closer still, and Magnus sighed at the gesture, attempting to wrap himself around him even more.

“Alec—”

“That first night,” he said, swallowing hard as a fresh burst of tears hit his cheeks, “I—I thought you were… you were pushing me away. Shutting me out. I—”

“Alec,” Magnus pleaded, “as I told you; I remember very little from that evening, and even less from before then. There is nothing much in my memory beyond going through that portal; one of the only things I _do_ remember, is you catching me as I fell. Getting me home; never letting me out of your arms,”

“I thought I’d lost you—”

“Never, Alexander,” Magnus denied, “I—”

“I didn’t know if you were shutting me out, because you’d already had enough. When you… when you—”

“When I what?”

“You… you turned your back on me, Magnus,” Alec said then, pulling back enough to face him, and the moment the words fell from his mouth, he felt just as stupid as those words sounded to his own ear, “that first night when we got you back, I… I came to bed, and you’d turned over, and… and every night after, you just… you just kept turning away from me. Walking away from me. Shutting me out when I just wanted to—"

“Oh, Alec—”

“And I—”

“I didn’t mean anything by it,” Magnus tried to reassure him, “I was... I didn't, Alec. If anything, I was shielding myself. Against... against… you not wanting me,”

“Why would I ever not want you?” Alec asked, a cry to his voice that had Magnus gathering him closer all over again.

“Because of… because—”

“Magnus,” Alec said, rolling them over gently so he could pin Magnus beneath him, dropping kisses everywhere he could get to, before bracketing his face between his forearms and settling between his legs, “I’m never gonna not want you. Magic, or no magic, help or no help, wealth, or—or whatever it is you think you’ve got to keep offering me, to keep me around. I’m in love with you, Magnus; not what you can give me. It’s not conditional on what I get from you… I just want you to… I just want you to be with me,”

“I am with you, Alexander,” Magnus said then, sweeping his arms up Alec’s back and spreading his hands wide, tilting his chin up to be kissed, “I have every intention of always being with you,”

Alec knew Magnus’ words were supposed to be placating, but they did nothing but rip a new wave of fear through him, and left him helpless against burrowing himself into Magnus’ arms all over again, clinging on as tight as he could.

“What’s this about?” Magnus asked, whispered soft and sweet into his ear, as he ran his hands repeatedly over his back.

“You didn’t want me,” Alec repeated, the words muffled into his skin, “you didn’t—”

“But I do,” Magnus told him, appearing to try to reassure him, but the exasperation in his voice Alec couldn’t help feel was aimed at him. “Alex—”

“You think I’m gonna be okay with just… losing you, when my time’s up?” Alec demanded then, feeling Magnus go completely still beneath him, and wishing he could claw back his words, or even his way into his skin so he couldn’t leave him.

“Alex—”

“You think when the day comes when we talk about us, and the whole... immortality/mortality thing… you think I’m ever gonna be ready to walk away from you?” Alec bit out, pulling back from him to kneel up between his legs.

“I… am a little confused,” Magnus announced after a moment, and Alec felt foolish, aware of how young, and silly he must seem to the timeless, reverential warlock laid beneath him. With a grumble he slid back further, then flopped over onto his back.

“You said,” Alec began, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the ceiling, “that we’d talk about all that,”

“ _We_ said that,” Magnus amended softly, “ _we_ agreed to that,”

“And when you said this morning, about—about agreeing to a date to think about what’ll happen if your magic isn’t coming back—”

“Those are two very separate things,” Magnus protested, and Alec had to close his eyes, shaking his head against the pillow. “Alec—”

“All this time… all this time when you’ve been recovering, and I… I couldn’t do anything to help. It’s just… I guess it’s just hit me, that I’m not enough. That I’m _never_ gonna be enough for you; I can't be. I can't ever be,” Alec said then, soft and defeated, the weight of thoughts he’d convinced himself he hadn’t really been thinking hitting him hard. “And I'm... I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea that you’re… that you’re always gonna leave me,”

“Alec—”

“I’m not ever gonna be ready to lose you, Magnus,” Alec said then, turning to face him, the weight of the truth of it too much for him to bear.

“Alec—”

But Alec was up and out of their bed, dressing himself quickly, frightened that if he didn’t get some distance between them, then he might say something, or do something that would make Magnus want to leave him even sooner than he already intended. With barely a look back, Alec flung the hotel room door open and rushed out into the hallway, running down the stairs in seconds, desperate to be away.

* * *

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Magnus found him in a bar.

Alec wasn’t even sure how he’d ended up in the place if he was honest with himself, though the noise level of the conversations around him, along with the unending thump of music, was enough to be able to distract him from thinking much of anything at all. Which though only temporary, nothing but a pause in the horror he was going to have to face sooner or later, had been a welcome escape.

“You know, Alexander,” Magnus said, sliding down into the seat opposite and raising Alec’s glass to smell the contents of it, “it isn’t all that healthy to drink alone,”

“You do it,” Alec retorted, reaching for and draining the glass with a grimace, “you do it all the time. And besides; it’s only my second. Maybe my third,”

Magnus appeared to consider his words for a moment, then shrugged in a way suggesting he knew he couldn’t argue.

“Dot calls this my heartbreak drink,”  

“I know,” Alec agreed bitterly, at the reminder that there was someone—many someones, who knew things about Magnus that he did not. That he might never know. “It‘s why I tried it. Thought I’d see what it was like,”

“Alec,” Magnus said, in that soft, pleading tone he reserved only for him, “I don’t understand what is happening here,”

“How’d you find me, anyway?” Alec asked then, narrowing his eyes in suspicion, wondering if he'd just followed him there and lingered outside. Though why would he?

“Alec,” Magnus replied with a tight smile for him, “outside of the hotel complex—which I searched over first, by the way—”

Alec grimaced in contrition, earning himself a small snort of laughter.

“—and apart from the nightclub that I suspect you would never go to alone, there was a choice between a diner that looked somewhat lacking in basic hygiene, and here. I didn’t have too many places to look,”

“I’m… preparing myself,” Alec settled on saying, wondering how much of the whiskey he’d need to drink before he’d be numb enough to forget.  

“Preparing yourself,” Magnus repeated, with a firm shake of his head, “for what?”

“For you leaving me,” Alec retorted, hearing the petulant tone of his voice, and not caring one bit.

“Leaving,” Magnus huffed, his eyes flaring in surprise, “when did I say I was leaving?”

“You didn’t need to,” Alec sighed, debating calling for another whiskey, though not enjoying the taste of it at all. Maybe he could switch to another drink, he thought, immediately thinking of champagne. Though that was a celebratory drink, he reminded himself with a further slump in his chair, and the last thing he was doing was celebrating—  

“Alec—”

“You’ve been pushing me away all these months,” Alec retorted, impressed with himself for his voice coming out calm. “I guess I should’ve realized, you were… _preparing me_ or something. I don’t know; maybe trying to make it easier, or—”

“Alexander,” Magnus said then, injecting force into it, and reaching across the table to grasp his hand, “please explain to me what you’re thinking,”

“I’m thinking,” Alec replied, his voice becoming arched with bitterness, “that we’ve come on a vacation, ‘cos I wanted… I thought it would help you to relax, to get better, to… have a break from everything, after everything you’ve been through—”  

“I know,” Magnus agreed, smiling at him in a way that Alec thought was meant to be grateful, but hurt too much for him to look at for too long. “I am—”

“And yet we’ve barely been here two days, and already you’re talking about _after_. Already reminding me, that nothing’s ever gonna be permanent between us,” Alec continued, irritably swallowing back more tears. “And I… it hurts,”

When Magnus didn’t say anything, Alec was powerless to fight the urge to look at him, desperate to brace himself for what was going to happen. He caught the way Magnus’ mouth hung half open, the look of sheer confusion on his face, and the incredulous way his eyes widened, and felt even more of a fool.  

“Alexander,” Magnus finally said, sounding thoroughly perplexed, even opening and closing his mouth a couple of times as though trying to sound his words out. “When have I said things aren’t permanent between us?”  

“The whole immortal/mortal talk thing you keep bringing up?” Alec retorted, with a vague wave of his fingers towards him. “The whole _I need to plan for if I don’t get my magic_ _back_ —”

“We,” Magnus interrupted, his voice raising in further surprise, “ _we_ need to plan. Alec; how can us planning a talk between us—a talk that is still a few years from now—that is talking about our immortality, or mortality _together_ ; how is that not something that shows our permanence?”

Alec had turned his gaze elsewhere, sweeping over the faceless occupants of the bar and tuning in to their noise for comfort, but Magnus’ voice forced him to look again, narrowing his eyes in suspicion, trying to seek out the meaning of his words.

“Alec,” Magnus continued, squeezing his hand, and a look of dawning realization replacing that earlier confusion, “did you think… did you think that I suggested we have such a talk, because I… because I intended on us parting? Do you… did you think I could bear to lose you, ever, any more than you could bear to lose me?”

“I—”

“Alec,” Magnus said, a touch of urgency hitting his tone, “remember when… so long ago now, you said, that… you pointed out, that I have to watch those I love age and die? Do you remember that?”

“I do,” Alec replied, though full of caution.

“You are the only one, in my long, long life, that has taken the time to consider how… painful that is for me,” Magnus said then, his voice soft, cracking even, and when Alec looked properly, he saw tears beginning to pool in his eyes. “No one has ever… no one else has ever thought that I… that I could be hurt in that way,”

“Magnus—”

“No one,” Magnus continued, swallowing hard as his gaze dropped to the table, the tension across his shoulders revealing just how much he was struggling, “no one has ever… Alec; you think of me, and you care for me, in ways that—in ways that I didn’t ever expect I’d get to experience,”

“Then—”  

“Did you think I could ever stand to watch the same thing happen to you?” Magnus asked then, his words clipped and his eyes bright with tears. “Did you really think I could bear to see _you_ age and die, when I could not do that myself? When you are… when you are everything to me, Alexander?”

“I don’t—”

“So many times, I… people have given up on me, because I am so very different,” Magnus said then, a faraway look in his eyes that Alec imagined was him replaying painful memories. “That I am immortal, a warlock… _this_ ,” he added, with a derogatory flick of his fingers towards himself. “Alec. Normally people are little but intrigued by my company, but once they… once they have a taste of my world, they do not want it. They do not want _me_ ; I am not worth the… difficulty of it all,”

“But you are,” Alec protested, reaching out with both hands and squeezing around Magnus’, “you’re worth all of it. Everything,”

“You are the first to… to feel like that, Alexander,” Magnus smiled then, a soft, bittersweet thing that had Alec aching for him.

“Magnus—”

“You are also the first,” Magnus continued, his lip trembling, “that I have ever… ever considered my equal. Someone who I could… I could love, and have love me back, for all of my life. However long that might be,”

Alec shook his head, confused by what Magnus was telling him, suddenly furious at the whiskey he had drunk for the sluggishness of his mind.

“Alexander,” Magnus said then, a touch of exasperated amusement lacing through his voice, “did you… that we will one day have to make the choice, if we are going to be together as mortal, or immortal; did you think I imagined there would be another way for us?”

Alec stared back at him then, not trusting his ears, cursing that whiskey all over again for fogging his thoughts. “I—”

“Alec,” Magnus urged, raising his free hand to cover Alec’s, “we… one day we will have to decide that, but that is something we will decide together. I don’t... I don’t understand why you would think that would mean either of us leaving one another,”

Magnus’ words began to make sense for Alec, moving from faded, blurred images into something he could understand, and focus on; Magnus meant there to be an _always_ for them, however that _always_ might look. The realization began to curl a wave of relief through him, but Alec dared not trust it, didn’t want to misunderstand what he was telling him, and be getting his hopes up for nothing.

“Then… how come you kept… you kept trying to push me away when… when we got you back from… from being drained of your magic. Why would you… if we’re really gonna decide on how we spend our lives together like that,” Alec said, hope fluttering harder in his chest, though still too afraid to really trust it, “then… why would you keep… why would you keep thinking I was gonna leave?”

Magnus’ face fell in contrition then, and he raised Alec’s hands so he could tangle his fingers through. “I don’t know. I... I am so used to people leaving me when things get difficult, that I thought… I thought giving you that option, letting you know you were free to leave if I were becoming a burden to you—”

“You were never a burden to me,” Alec denied, “not through any of it,” and Magnus’ mouth pinched up into a bittersweet smile.

“Alexander,” Magnus sighed, seeming to need a few moments to compose his words, “I am used to people leaving when things… when I get too much,” and his voice was so soft on repeating his earlier words, that Alec found himself leaning forwards to hear him properly.  

“I’m not _people_ ,” Alec countered, raising an eyebrow, “I’m _yours_ ,”

Magnus’ look for him then was torn between the affection Alec had come to expect from him, and utter disbelief that Alec would mean his own words. But he did mean them, Alec told himself adamantly, every last one of them. And if Magnus meant everything he was saying as well, then—

“I’m not people,” he repeated, giving a sharp shake of his head, “you’re worth all of it. Everything. I don’t care how… how different we are, or… how difficult things get. I don’t care about any of that; I just… I want to—I need to be with you,”

Magnus’ lip trembled harder then, and those tears that had been building up in his eyes began to fall on his cheeks. Alec reached across the table with a sigh, thumbing them away until Magnus smiled, quickly turning his head to press a kiss against his palm.  

“I think,” Alec began to say, swallowing a little thickly for the lump in his throat, “that… that you and me, we have a _lot_ to talk about,”

“Not the ideal way to spend a vacation where we’re both supposed to be resting,” Magnus smiled, squeezing his fingers again, “but necessary, I think,”

“I think we need it,” Alec agreed, pleading with himself to trust what Magnus was offering him. To trust himself not to mess things up.

“How about we get some sleep first, huh?” Magnus asked, standing and tugging Alec to his feet, swaying slightly on the spot. “How about we put all this _talking_ we’ve got to do on hold, till that whiskey’s out of your system, and I’m awake enough to make sense?”

Alec noticed the exhaustion on Magnus’ face then, and was hit with a fresh wave of guilt, standing too quickly in his hurry for them to leave, and having to wrap his arms around Magnus for support.  

“I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be sorry,” Magnus told him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, and pulling him in for a hug, sighing in relief into his neck, “we will talk about this. Tomorrow, okay? Or another day. But for now, let’s just—”

“Let’s go back to bed,” Alec finished for him, smiling and wrapping Magnus up tighter, cursing himself under his breath for ever allowing himself to doubt.

* * *

“So. Have you put any thought into what we’ve not been discussing?”

Alec smiled at Magnus’ question, though perhaps more for the halted tone in his voice than the actual words. “Nope,” he mumbled, mouthing along his neck then dropping his head down there as he adjusted on his knees, “not at all,”

“None?” Magnus asked, somewhere between incredulous and gasping. “After all the worry it has caused you—”

“Magnus,” Alec said, kissing it into his jaw, playing with the strands of his hair with his fingertips, and giving a slow, lazy stir of his hips that earned him a breathy groan in response, “you really wanna talk about this _now_?”

Magnus slid his hands in a wide sweep down Alec’s back, raising his legs to wrap around his waist, with one hand making its way back up to snag through Alec’s hair. “I suppose it can wait,”

“Besides,” Alec said, rolling his hips again in exactly the spot he knew would leave Magnus whimpering, “you’re not supposed to be exerting yourself,”

“I’m fairly sure you’re currently doing all the work here,” Magnus countered, though doing his best to roll up to meet him, his words broken with those continual breathy gasps that Alec loved to hear so much.

“I’m sure Catarina would be pleased to hear that,” Alec retorted, this time earning himself a grumble.

“Alexander,” Magnus protested, “this is hardly the time to be speaking of—”

“If it’s _hardly the time_ to be speaking of other people, then maybe you should stop asking questions,” Alec pointed out, smirking against his cheek at Magnus’ huff of retort.

In answer, Magnus pulled on his hair a little harder, dragging him into a kiss, then slid his free hand wide in a claim settling between his shoulder blades. “As you wish...”

Three days further into their vacation, and Alec had finally allowed himself to relax into the easiness between them, to trust that things were truly back to normal between them, and even in some ways better than they had ever been.

When they’d woken the day after Alec had run out in a panic to that bar, there had been halted, careful words between them, that cleared any lingering misgivings, and put both their minds at rest over things they’d both been afraid to ask.  

But they’d agreed not to speak of that talk they’d planned about their future, instead focusing on the time they were spending together there on vacation, and seeing a real, whole smile returning to Magnus’ face like it was once again a regular feature there, added even more lightness to Alec’s heart; another thing Alec hadn’t acknowledged just how much he’d been missing in those months when Magnus had barely smiled at all.

“You okay?” he whispered when they’d regained their breath a little, turning them onto their side on Magnus’ nod of agreement, and pulling him as close as was possible, blasting out a sated sigh that had Magnus smirking against him.

“I am now,” Magnus agreed, stretching up against him, “I had begun to wonder if perhaps—”

“Magnus,” Alec huffed, “I can’t believe you would even think—”

“But you didn’t even _try_ —”

“Are we really doing this again?” Alec asked then, incredulous and not waiting for Magnus to answer, instead cupping his face and drawing him into a slow, lazy kiss. “And you tell me my _pillow talk_ needs work,” which earned him a resounding, joyful giggle, with Magnus pulling back from him enough to press it into his pillow, leaving Alec to watch the rise and fall of his shoulders as he continued to laugh.

“Magnus—”

But Magnus didn’t want to listen, instead pitched himself over to roll on top of him, smiling down at Alec in triumph, and settling comfortably between his legs as though he had no intention of moving any time soon; falling asleep in seconds.

“You okay?” Alec asked a little later, luxuriating in the way Magnus stretched against him, and gave a sleepy nod into his neck.

“Very,” Magnus agreed, “I’d wager better than I have been in months,”

“Well, that’s good to hear,” Alec smiled, sliding his hands up his back before settling them around Magnus’ waist.

“My question still stands, however,” Magnus said after another minute, and Alec had to think about it for a second before knowing what he meant.

“Like I said; none,” Alec smiled, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “it’s… I don’t know. I guess now… since I know you didn’t mean… that you didn’t intend to just… I don’t know, push me away at some point—”

“Like I could ever,” Magnus interrupted, full of indignation.

“—that I’m not… I’m not overthinking it like I was,” Alec finished, wrapping him up in a hug.

“I wish you had told me that was what you were worrying about,” Magnus sighed, burrowing himself down into Alec’s neck with a huff.

“You’ve had so much else to think about,” Alec protested, shaking his head.

“But this conversation; we agreed on this long, long before what has happened to me,” Magnus pointed out. Alec slumped his shoulders in defeat, but nodded back, knowing it was a fair argument.

“I don’t know, Magnus. I… I just kept thinking that… that maybe I shouldn’t bring it up. Like it was…. I don’t know. I didn’t wanna think about us… having to be apart, or… or an _after_ me, I guess. I know that’s selfish, but—”

“There is no _after_ _you_ for me,” Magnus countered, kissing it into his cheek, then pulling back with a self-deprecating sigh. “Perhaps I should have been clearer about that,”

“Maybe I should’ve just... listened harder,” Alec replied, smiling as Magnus huffed against him.

“It doesn’t matter now,” Magnus said, “what matters, is that we are both now very much on the same page,”

“We are,” Alec agreed, rolling and tugging Magnus tight against his chest, and breathing easier than he had in months.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... hope that made up for the previous angst! There's a short epilogue to follow as well ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading :)
> 
> x


	10. Epilogue

“Looking good,”

Magnus raised an eyebrow at Alec’s comment looking mildly amused, then went back to his form, working fluidly through each of the stances, a ball of stuttering blue energy surging and fading between his palms.  

It had been six months since Magnus’ magic had been taken from him, and only a month since it had started to reappear. Just in time, Alec added to himself, remembering the relief he'd felt when woken by an excited, teary-eyed Magnus showing the beginnings of energy starting to bud up from his palms. They had been days away from Magnus accepting that his magical existence was lost to him, already considering ways to fit into the world without it. But the look on his face that morning was full of such hope, and joy, that Alec couldn’t imagine Magnus ever being able to accept a life without his magic.

From the look of his recovery, that wasn’t something he would have to worry about.

Alec continued watching Magnus work through his tai chi, enjoying the ripple of his back muscles as he walked past him to return a book to its shelf almost as much as the flourishes of color dancing up from his palms. But what he loved more than anything was the look on Magnus’ face. Hopeful, determined, full of belief in himself again. Alec couldn’t want anything more than that, and sighed with all the happiness he felt.

“Is something wrong?” Magnus called once Alec had sat back down, though not breaking from his routine. That Magnus was so easily aware of any changes in Alec was a magic he appreciated all on its own.

“Not at all,” he replied, smiling when Magnus looked in his direction. He continued to watch until he recognized the moves that said the routine was coming to an end, and slowly began to stand again.

“You’re beautiful like this,” Alec found himself saying, the words unconsciously falling from his mouth; not because they weren’t true, or that he was holding them back, but rather because it was something he always felt about Magnus. Magnus was beautiful in everything he did, and sometimes Alec couldn’t help blurting out what he was thinking. It was worth it, he thought, for the small smile on Magnus’ face, and the way his magic flared a little brighter.

“You’re getting better every day,” Alec added, taking slow paces towards him, and it was true. Magnus was stubborn in his recovery, pushing himself perhaps a little too hard, yet that effort resulting in stronger magic every time he tried to use it. Catarina had watched with him just yesterday afternoon, poised next to him on the very edge of the couch as Magnus had used his magic to lift and summon things around the room, and at one point she’d reached out to squeeze Alec's hand in solidarity. Alec would have preferred they’d got to know each other better in entirely different circumstances, but he was glad to know that she was on his side.

“I estimate it will be several months before I am fully back to my usual self,” Magnus replied, though there was pride in his voice, and excitement, a confidence that came with the certainty of knowing he was firmly on the mend.

“Whatever,” Alec shrugged, coming to stand in front of him, “I’m just relieved to see it coming back. Not that we wouldn’t have coped without it,” he added, belatedly, and Magnus’ smile for him then was nothing but teasing.

“Admit it; you prefer me like this,” he said, stepping a little closer himself.

“If by _this_ ,” Alec replied, taking another stumble forward, “you mean this… smile that’s back on your face, then yeah. I prefer you happy; not gonna lie about that,”

“Well,” Magnus said, with a final flourish of his fingertips, “luckily for you, it appears you’re getting everything back,”

“I already had everything,” Alec told him, reaching out to grip his waist, “I had you,”

“You will always have me, Alexander,” Magnus assured him, resting his hands on the flats of his shoulders, pressing firmly up against him, and angling his chin up to be kissed.

“Likewise,” Alec replied, bending down to kiss him, then gathering him up into a hug, and sighing into his shoulder, allowing his eyes to close, and savoring having Magnus back.

 


End file.
